My Life as Brutus' Dad

It's Moving Day (for my blog)

2008-03-23T15:43:00.003-04:00

I have decided to move my blog to another site. Hopefully with the changes, I may blog more.

I also changed the name a little.

My Life as Rocky's Dad

Rockys Day at the Office

2008-01-24T07:37:00.000-05:00

While I am working up in our third floor office, this is how Rocky spends his day on the couch behind me. He does occasionally get up to bark at the UPS man but this is really about it.

Oh, and he farts once in awhile just to remind me that he's there as well.

Just When You Think Life Has Settled

2008-01-23T07:19:00.001-05:00

I changed jobs again! The company that I was working for laid me off a couple weeks ago...yeah nice. I was freaked out and immediately went into job search mode. I started calling some old business contacts, etc. I talked to the VP of the company that I had left back in October to see what was going on. He knew that I left because of the franchise owner that I worked for and not the company itself.

Well to make a long story short, after talking to him that day and then a few more calls the next day, I was hired back. Not only was I hired back at a corporate level (not working for a franchise) but I was hired back as the Senior Account Manager for the Northeast region. I am so happy about this! I love working for this company and while it has its issues just like everything else, I truly believe in its product and services and enjoy selling for them.

The ultimate best part is that I work from home! They don't have a physical office in this area and really don't have any intentions of having one so they set me up at home. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I get up, have my breakfast and commute to the third floor. Too cool.

Everything else is good here, not much to report. We went to one of our best friends' 40th birthday party last week and had a blast. I was of course in the mood to celebrate the new job as well.

Yet again, I have fallen behind in posting and I will really try to keep things up. Thanks for sticking with me.

Resolutions

2008-01-01T19:56:00.000-05:00

I thought this was a great video.

2008 The Year to Win

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T10:05:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody, welcome to 2008!

A lot has happened since my last post. I turned 38, which I'm having issues with. We had my family here for Christmas. I found out that the company that I recently left is going down the tubes. And Mike and I have been settling into the new house.

All in all, not a bad way to end the year.

Last New Years, Mike said that 2007 was going to be "The Year of Ron and Mike", and I really think in a lot of ways it was.

Some friendship pruning went on, other friendships were strengthened. We did things for ourselves and focused on us.

I have decided that for myself, this year will be "The Year of Follow Through". What does that mean? It means that I am going to focus on finishing things that I start, and following through on goals and promises that I make to the best of my ability.

As Mike and I head into the end of our thirteeth year together this spring, I need to remind myself more of what a friend told me after observing the two of us together. He said "Wow, Mike is really devoted to you." If I can remember that on a daily basis, that I can do my part to ensure that we last another 13 years and beyond.

Happy New Year to my readers and best wishes for 2008 to all of you!

Thanksgiving Weekend

2007-11-27T06:25:00.000-05:00

The weekend was great. We picked up my Mom on Wednesday night and then went to my niece's for Thanksgiving dinner. She did a great job as usual and I ate until my stomach hurt.

On Friday we had some friends come from out of town. Ken from Chicago and Rich from Florida, came to spend the weekend. A couple other friends came over to spend the day to see them so we had a houseful for the day. I enjoyed every second of it. Ken is one of out best friends and I have a blast just having him around.

The next day, we all piled in the car and trekked up to New Hope for Santa Saturday. That is an annual event attended by leathermen and "bears" mostly and they raise money for charity. ALWAYS a good time. I love the event and Mike and I have been going for twelve years.

We ran into a lot of people that we haven;t seen in awhile and even reconnected with a couple that used to be our best friends. I walked by one of them and found myself deciding that enough was enough and maybe we should try to get past the drama that caused us to stop hanging out together. The four of us ended up talking for a few hours and the outlook is very hopeful. I feel like it truly made the day worth it.

After things wrapped up there, we headed out to a local diner for our yearly post Santa Saturday dinner and then went home. Ken and I stayed up and looked at stupid videos on You Tube and then we finally turned in like everyone else.

On Sunday we met Mark and Bill for lunch so they could get to see Ken and Rich for a little bit before they headed home. Mike and I went back kto their house afterwards and Bill and I cracked open our first bottle of our holiday brew that we made last month. Well let me just tell you that the Baldy Brewing Company's "ChrismaHanaKwanzishy" Brew is AWESOME! We did a great job. A couple more weeks and it will be even better.

Mike and I came home Sunday exhausted but happy after a great weekend. We already missed our friends being in the house but we will see them again soon.

Gonna Write it Through

2007-11-26T21:30:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a bit of the funk coming on again, along with a lot of introspection. I think I'll see what writing it out will do.

Everything is basically good, and actually seems to be getting better, but I still feel kinda cloudy on the inside.

OK So I'm a little bored at the office

2007-11-19T11:18:00.000-05:00

68%

Mesa Dating

Really worth a book?

2007-11-15T08:39:00.000-05:00

Last night the girls from up the street came over to see the new furniture. We ended up sitting up in the third floor den for a couple hours just talking. Of course my fucked up family came up in covnersation and Mike was filling them in on some of the dysfunction. After they heard some of the stuff, they told me that I should write a book. I wish I had the ambition to do that. I have wanted to do that for years and I just can't seem to sit down and start working on it.

On the other hand, does the world really need another story about a messed up family? I think it's an interesting story, but would anyone else?

Who knows. I have considered it for a long time and even mentioned it here a few times.

One day you may see the Ron story out in hardcover at a store near you and on Amazon.com

Update from the "Hood"

2007-11-06T05:48:00.000-05:00

The new job is going great. I get to leave my house over an hour later than I used to and I;m home a hell of a lot earlier; sometimes as early as noon. Well, when I'm home that early, I finish up the day working upstairs so technically I'm still working. The house is coming along as well. We put in new light fixtures, bought some new furniture, put in a storm door and now we are getting estimates on the fence.

All in all things are good. Mike and I have settled into our new schedules and find ourselves relaxing a lot more and sleeping better. We have gotten to know a few of our neighbors pretty well so far, well the lesbians anyway. It still makes us laugh that we seem to have our own little gayborhood back here.

One of the girls and I are thinking about running to be on the board of the homeowners association. Mostly because we can't stand one of the women on the board now. Yeah go figure, been here a month and we already have drama.

Rocky has not one but two girlfriends in the neighborhood. One is a little silky terrier next door named Shante and then there is another little dog two doors down named Tiffany. He does well for a guy with no balls.

Well that's the update from here. I am really trying to stay up on blogging...seriously I am. I have been luring around all of your blogs still and occasionally commenting so I am still here.

Saturday Morning Quiet

2007-10-20T08:49:00.000-04:00

What a nice Saturday morning. It rained most of thie night last night, so it finally feels like October outside.

Kevin came over last night and we walked across the street to see what was going on at this restaurant/sports bar that we really like. It turned out it they were packed for a Friday and so we went across the street to get Chinese food. Of course it started to pour about half way back to the house, but that's life.

I was still recovering from a bout of bad mayonnaise from a sandwich I had eaten at work the day before so I was kinda feeling rough anyway.

So we ended up sittin around watching bad TV, eating Chinese and just hangin out. Turned out to be a good Friday night after all.

Mike and Kevin are still in bed at this point, so I got up and took Rocky out and now I'm just enjoying a quite morning. I love this house! I wish all of you could see it. I'm very proud of it.

Big Giant Sigh

2007-10-17T21:48:00.000-04:00

What a month! We are all moved in to the new house and we love it. Turns out that there is a lesbian couple up the street and a single lesbian right next door. So we have our own little "gayborhood" out in the county surrounded by the Amish.

Everyone else that we have met in the neighborhood has been cool so far too. It's a very interesting mix of people. Gay and lesbian couples, interracial couples, older retired people, you name it. Plus, almost everyone has a dog so Rocky is in heaven meeting everyone.

We have had weekends full of projects to get the house to the level that we want it, but Mike and I have decided that this weekend is enough. We aren't going to do any projects!

So on top of all that, I started my new job this past Monday and so far, I really like it. It's nice to work for a real company again. I only have to do my job and mine alone. I don't need to worry about creditors calling the office or bounced paychecks anymore. Talk about a load off of my mind.

I feel like Mike and I have started a whole new chapter in our lives and it's very exciting. Now I can work on getting myself back into a regular schedule of blogging too. I need to catch up on everything.

It's Moving Day!

2007-09-27T09:44:00.000-04:00

The truck was packed up yesterday. We go to closing on this house at 4 this afternoon. We'll be spending the night at Mark's tonight, then we go to settlement on the new house tomorrow morning and move in!

Lots going on!

Oh yeah, and then I found out this morning.....I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!

One More Week

2007-09-21T08:47:00.000-04:00

Well we go to settlement on the new house one week from today. YAY! Packing has commenced with a vengeance and we are moving quick.

I actually got a little melancholy about leaving. I looked around the back yard and saw all of the pine trees that we have planted in the last 12 years, that used to be Christmas trees.

I see the siding that Mike and I put on the house during a great summer together.

I see the trees we planted around the deck so we could have privacy in the hot tub.

We got rid of the stupid clock that doesn't work right, but it's the same one I kept looking at the first night we were together, thinking, "Wow after all this talking, it's still only 11 o'clock?" When in reality its was like 2am.

It's a house a LOT of memories. Some not all the great, but most of them wonderful.

But I keep telling myself, that we are moving somewhere to start that process all over again. Since it's a brand new house, it will be all that Mike and I make it to be. I really can't wait.

Stress Level - HIGH

2007-09-12T09:42:00.000-04:00

We move in two weeks. YAY! We have been throwing things out but haven't started packing yet, probably get into that mess this weekend.

I really never want to do this again. I thought it wouldn't be that bad, especially after we got through the financing and all of that, but it is and I hate it!

I keep telling myself that next month at this time, it will all be over with. I really can't wait actually and I know we're both excited but it's a lot of work.

Still interviewing all over the place for jobs, have three scheduled for this week, so I'm hoping that by the end of the month, I will have a new job as well.

Some News

2007-09-04T08:46:00.000-04:00

Well I still haven't heard from the job that I have interviewed THREE times with. My friend that works there said this is nothing out of the ordinary, they are known for taking a long time. Apparently it took the six months to hire the receptionist! SHEESH! I hope it doesn't take that long. I have talked to them by phone and email though so they know I'm still here.

I have also been interviewing at other places and I am confident that I will get on offer from someone soon.

In other news, MIKE AND I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!! AND SOLD OURS YESTERDAY!!!!!

I haven't posted anything about it because I didn't want to jinx anything, but how cool is that?

We will actually be in the same town which I think is kinda funny, but instead of out in the country we will actually be in town. We found a great townhouse at an awesome price. And it's brand new!

If everything goes well, we should be moving by the end of the month! WOO HOO!

Daily Stress

2007-08-22T05:41:00.001-04:00

I'm still waiting to hear about this job offer. My 3rd and last interview was last Monday and Im told that this is a normal waiting time for this company so I'm not concerned. (Well, other than the annoying little voice in my head that tells me "you're not gettin it and you will be stuck in your current job FOR-EVER".)

I wake up in the morning not being too worried about it but then by about 11am I'm practically having a full on breakdown. Then by the afternoon, I'm good again. I think this seriously has brought out the manic in me.

I was thinking last night though how nice it is to come home after days like that. I was on the phone with a good friend of mine telling him the whole story and I mentioned that Mike was being so supportive during this process. My friend said. "Well you guys are really good at the ying and yang thing, when one of you is stressed out, the other seems to keep the stressed one from the brink, even if they are stressing about the same thing."

It made me thankful for a great guy like Mike. When I come home I can forget about all of the crap going on during the day. When I close the door from coming in, it's like it all starts to fall off of me. Of course being mauled with kisses from an over exuberant boxer tends to help too.

I hope to be posting soon about a great new job, but in the meantime, I'm still hangin in here, just waiting for the email with the offer and waiting to come home home at the end of the day if I don't get it.

Waiting and Waiting

2007-08-15T10:21:00.000-04:00

I had a third interview which went really well. So now I am just waiting on the offer.

And waiting....

Keep Your Fingers Crossed

2007-08-08T05:18:00.000-04:00

I had a second interview yesterday at a company I'd really like to work for. The interview itself was almost two hours, then they took me out to dinner for another two hours. I think that's a good sign. I am supposed to hear something either today or tomorrow. Man this would be awesome!

Doing Nothing - Day 3

2007-08-01T08:24:00.000-04:00

Damn I love vacation. The weather has been perfect. Mike, Ken and I have been having a blast.

We spent all day yesterday out on the beach, from about 10:30 till almost 5. I think I have decided that there is nothing quite like falling asleep on the beach.

We came back took showers and then went to dinner.

Rocky has been having a good time too. He's been liking the walks around the nieghborhoods and stuff. He's even met a few other boxers.

On another good note, I got an email from the guy I'm interviewign with next week asking me if I would like to go to dinner afterwards and when I would be able to start if offered the job. NICE!

Finally on Vacation

2007-07-29T08:08:00.001-04:00

It's about 8am and no one else in the house is up but me and Rocky. He of course got me up at 7 so he could go for a walk. So now I am enjoying being alone for a little bit.

We got down to the beach yesterday afternoon. There was a really bad accident yesterday on the highway to the beach, so it was closed for awhile. What should have taken 2 1/2 hours took over 5. Yeah...I was NOT happy.

Ken was already here when we got here. He had spent the day on the beach. It was great seeing him. After we got settled, we made some calls to let everyone know we were here. It turns out a bunch of our friends are here for the weekend or week too.

Our friend Amy came over with three of her friends and after a couple drinks we headed out. We ended up at this great Mexican place that we have been going to for about 6 years. Dinner was great and a good time was had as usual.

After that we walked down the avenue to a bar that we were meeting Gregg at with his friends. When we got there, the place was ROCKIN! They were having karaoke, which is the best! We were shortly joined by Mark and Bill and Mark's two sisters.

We ended up staying there the entire night, finally walking out of the bar after 1am.

So that brings me to now. The townhouse is great, and obviously I have internet access this time around so I will be blogging the week hopefully.

Well it sounds like the boys are finally up so I'm out of here.

Almost Vacation

2007-07-25T13:22:00.000-04:00

Two more days till vacation. I am really looking forward to next week. It turns out a bunch of people that we know will be at the beach the same week we are there. our friend Ken is coming in from Chicago to spend the week with us as well. Mark and Bill will be there with Mark's family and our friend Amy will be in town for the first weekend, so it will be a good time.

I'm feeling really upbeat about things for the first time in awhile. I had a very promising job interview this week so we shall see what comes of that. That's all I will be saying about it for now. NO JINX!

Big Brother is on and I have Harry Potter to read too. Yes, I'm a geek sometimes.

My boss is still unbearable and the stories have just gotten worse lately but Mike has been really supportive so it helps to know I have someone waiting for me when I get home who will reassure me that I'm not the idiot she makes me feel like.

The weather next week looks decent. It looks like the typical hot summer, humid, afternoon thunderstorm stuff. I am hoping to have Internet access this time around so maybe I can actually fire off a few posts next week.

I have decided to work on some serious writing after my last post. It's gonna take awhile but I think I can finally get the ideas out of my head and onto some paper.

OK that's it for my stream of consciousness today.

Ramblngs

2007-07-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

With my job situation that way it is, I've been thinking a lot about where I am, where I've come from and where I'm going. I have been very reflective lately.

I feel like there is something out there that I should be doing and I just keep headin down the wrong road. It's an odd thing, but I know something big is out there, I just need to focus and find it.

I know it sounds odd, but I would love to be a writer. That is one of the many reasons I started this blog, but I can't seem to keep up with it to "hone" my skills. Of course that certainly is not instant gratification as far as money, but at least I would feel like I'm doing something.

The worst case scenario would be that I end up with a manuscript that is one lone continuous thought with hardly any punctuation. (Actually it would have too many commas.)

What would I write about? WOW, I think I have enough stories in my fucked up family to fill a couple books.

I guess it's something I need to contemplate.

Life Trudges On

2007-07-18T14:39:00.000-04:00

There really hasn't been much to report here. Life is good on the whole I guess. My job sucks and I'm at he point now where I'm basically just showing up. My boss has become unbearable. One of the many things that bothers me is the constant, "Don't do as I do, do as I say" attitude.

She's out of the office again right now. I have to get a bunch of calls done, in addition to answering the phones (since we lost another admin because of her), and trying to find an install for a client that is coming in on Friday (UMMM two days from now).

When she gets back, she'll run my call report, look at me with that look I want to smack off of her face andtell me I need to spend more time on the phones.

OK let's talk about the fact that I have been here since 7am to fix something that she has screwed up. We have a meeting on Tuesday with a long standing, regular client that is no happy about the administration of her account. And...she's off again to some "appointment" that none of us ever anything about.

I NEED TO LEAVE!

I've had a few interviews but nothing that has sparked my interest or more importantly my bank account.

Wish me luck as I keep trudging along.

Vacation in 10 days!

Happy 4th!

2007-07-04T09:14:00.000-04:00

A nice day off of work in the middle of the week and plans to hang out with friends all day.

The foot is getting better. I still have one of those big boot things to wear for at least a few more weeks. I can't wait to take it off for good, mostly because it's just damn hot to wear. I take it off for a few hours here and there just to give it some air, but then it starts to ache again. To answer Patrick's comment the other day, yes it did hurt a lot but yes I did get good drugs for it!

Work is the same and so I'm still looking for a new job.

Everything family-wise is still the same, I am just choosing not to deal with it right now. Healthy? Maybe not, but don't really care at the moment.

We have plans for a great dinner out on Friday with Mark and Bill, and a pool party on Saturday with some friends we haven't seen in awhile so I'm looking forward to that.

Plus, VACATION AGAIN in less then a month!

Hope y'all have a fun 4th!

What a Weekend

2007-06-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

Well the weekend turned out to be more than I bargained for.

We spent all day Saturday with Mark and Bill. Bill's family is here for a few days from out of town. They are great people and we had a blast. We started out Saturday morning at this AWESOME breakfast buffet near our house called the Shady Maple. You have to see it to believe it. IT IS HUGE! Nothing like a plate full of bacon and pancakes custom made the size of a dinner plate. I had peanut butter chips with banana.

Then off to Mark's house with a few stops in between. Picked up Rocky at the house and then off to the pool.

We had a great time all day. Eating and drinking by the pool. It was a day I really needed.

Then about 10pm, I was in the kitchen and someone called me to go out on the back porch. When I was walking out of the kitchen I stumbled over some one's shoe going down the ONE step to the porch.

When I stumbled, I heard an all to familiar crunch noise and felt a familiar pain as well. I had broken my right foot about 15 years ago so I kind of knew right away that I had done it again.

We just iced i that night and I ended up going to the emergency room on Sunday. Yup, I broke it.

It's really a small fracture and a bad sprain, but it still hurts like hell and it kept me home from work for two days. I am now wearing one of those huge boots to keep my foot immobilized for the next four weeks. FUN STUFF!

Oh well ya gotta laugh!

Important Video

2007-06-21T05:50:00.000-04:00

I first saw this at the True Colors concert on Sunday. Then this morning, I noticed that Joe had it on his site and I think it's important to see, so I've put it here.

Please contact your senators and tell them how you feel on this issue.

Just a Morning Vent

2007-06-21T05:30:00.000-04:00

I have been really down on things lately. It's getting frustrating. Family crap going on, work sucks right now, and I'm annoyed by everything.

I have to say that the best part of my life right now is when I come home from work. When I walk in the door, I have an overly excited boxer running at me to say hi and I have a great husband to come home to. I had a bad day at work yesterday and it was so nice to just have a big hug when I walked in.

I am working as hard as I can to find a new job, and I will be setting up some time with a therapist soon, so maybe I can work through some of this.

In the meantime, I'm living for the weekends.

This weekend should be fun. I think we may have a Friday night to ourselves which will be cool. Then on Saturday we will be hanging out with Mark and Bill and a big group of Bill's family.

Oh well, off to the shower to get ready for the office that I hate going to.

An Amazing Sunday

2007-06-18T20:16:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, I had the pleasure of going to see the True Colors Tour down in DC. Bill and I went. Mike couldn't go because of his work schedule and Mark didn't think he would want to sit through a 5 hour concert, so that left me and Bill.

I was lucky enough to have gotten free tickets from our friend Brad.

It was the most incredible concert that I have ever experienced and with everything that has been going on recently, I really needed it.

The concert was pulled together by Cyndi Lauper to celebrate Gay Pride and to raise money for the Human Rights Campaign . It was hosted by Margaret Cho as well as Rosie O'Donnell and had 5 hours of the best music I have heard in awhile.

We discovered a new band that we like and they are called the Gossip. Their singer is this amazingly cool chick that never out down her beer or stopped rockin out for their entire set. Then we heard Rufus Wainright, the Dresden Dolls, Debby Harry, Erasure and finally Cyndi Lauper.

The five hours went by really quickly and by the time the entire group was back on stage to sing True Colors, I was emotionally drained and exhausted. If you get the chance to see this phenomenal tour, I highly recommend it.

It really reawakened the political side of me which with everything going on lately had been kind of pushed to the side. It also felt really good to listen to a group of artists who thought that the GLBT community was just as valuable as everyone in the world and deserved the same treatment.

I have added a few site links to my list and I think you should check them out.

Family Betrayal

2007-06-15T08:44:00.000-04:00

After a week of not thinking about all of the issues with my family that have recently surfaced, they have reared their ugly faces again.

i got home last night from work and Mike told me that my brother had called. this is the first time he has bothered to call me in almost two months. The last time was when he was having s mini breakdown. He had decided to go into a support group as well. After he dropped the bombs that he did on my Mom and myself, he retreated like he normally does and I didn't hear from him again.

Well yesterday when he called to talk me (by the way, he called earlier than I would have been home), Mike decided to tell him how upset he had made me. As usual, he offered to call back over the weekend, not that night, and Mike told him that we had plans all weekend.

Apparently Mike told him about a few of the things that my sister had talked to him about and he was blown away (well allegedly anyway). But typically for him, he played the blame game and said that he told my Mom that if she didn't straighten things out when I was younger that he wanted custody of me.

So that makes the third family member to tell me that. And yet again, my Mom said no.

I called my sister later that night to tell her about the conversation and she had yet another revelation for me. For years I had been told that when I was 3, she ran away to California to live with her father. Well that's not the truth.

She had gone to her teachers in school and to the police to tell them about the abuse going on in my family and no one would listen to her (wow times have changed). When my parents found out that she did that, my father took her to court and had her removed from the house. The court system sent her to her Dad in California. She didn't have a relationship with him at all so she did run away at that point, from him.

I am dealing with so much right now and the most intense feeling I have is that of betrayal. Mostly from my parents and my oldest brother (the one I don't speak to).

It's amazing to me that people could stand by and let all of this happen. I was 3 years old for Christ's sake! Let's not even talk about the times later in life up until I was 14. The whole time, my sister and my Aunt were trying to do their best to protect me. I used to think my Mom was too, but now I think she was being really incredibly selfish and just didn't want to let me go or to admit that there was something really sick and twisted going on.

All of these years as well, I have tried to look at my Dad as someone who was incredibly broken and damaged and I actually felt a little sorry for him. Now I am learning that he may have been a cold and calculated man who didn't give a fuck about anyone but himself and his own needs.

Nothing like finding all of this out at 37 and seeing your entire immediate family as a group of people that you didn't know and that seemed to not really care about anyone but themselves.

Vacation Report or What I Did on My Summer Vacation

2007-06-14T12:35:00.000-04:00

Vacation was good. Mike and I had a great time actually. It was very relaxing and other than one day, the weather was nice as well. Rocky was the best pup ever, he got to go to a restaurant on the one afternoon which was very cool. I think we had more fun with it than he did, but that's typical. Although he did seem to enjoy having potato chips for the first time AND being told to stay near the table as opposed to getting away.

We had a buddy come down the first night we were there and he stayed till Sunday night. Our friend Brad has lived in Virginia for a few years so we don't get to see him that often anymore. It was great to spend time with him.

Then on Wednesday, Mark and Bill came down along with Rocky's girlfriend Millie. That made for a great few days. Nothing like good weather at the beach with good friends to enjoy it with.

We really didn't do much other than hang on the beach all day, come back for beers and a nap then head out again for dinner. Bill and I had a great time sampling beers as usual. Gotta love having Dogfish Head Brewing Company within walking distance of your house.

Mike and I also got to enjoy a few days totally by ourselves. No computer, no phone calls, nothing. Was very nice, especially after all the stress of the last month or so. It's nice to have someone to feel so safe with that the world kind of goes away when we're alone.

I will still be talking to my Mom about some of things that I found out from my sister, but at least I don't feel so out of control right now like I did a few weeks ago.

Having a week away with the man I love and some friends did the trick to bring me back into focus.

Bombshell Weekend

2007-05-30T09:20:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling like I'm under the weight of the world right now. Surprisingly I've only cried once.

My sister was up over the weekend and after spending a day with my Mom, we came back to our house and sat out on the deck and talked till 2am. Growing up, she was always the one who seemed to be a witness to everything going on. All the dysfunction, the abuse, the drama. So I wanted to ask her a bunch of questions. Turns out ignorance is bliss.

The first issue was about the day my Dad left. I had remembered it being the way I blogged about it a few months ago here. Basically that he got up one morning, told me he was going out to the store and never came back. Well it turns out that my Mom was talking to my sister about how she knew he was drinking and out carousing with men again and she didn't know what to do. Apparently he heard the entire conversation, because my sister saw him standing in the stairwell listening.

I think that may have been the morning before or the morning of the day he left. I guess after he heard that, it gave him the impetus to leave. Well and take all of the money we had as well as emptying the bank account he and my sister had for her business. Oh yeah, and the car.

Then the biggest bomb that dropped was the fact that my Mom lied to me about how my father died. I was always told that he had a sudden brain aneurysm and passed away. Well that was correct in a sense. The truth is that he was walking out of a local gay bar with his partner at the time and they were jumped. My Dad was beat up pretty badly and was hit really hard on the back of the head. That injury caused the aneurysm and his subsequent death a week later.

Needless to say, I was a little shaken up by all of this. Not to mention a few other things that came out that I wouldn't talk about here.

I am extremely angry with my Mom for withholding all of this from me. Especially considering the fact that I was 20 when my father passed away and knew he was gay so I could have handled it. I don't understand why she lied to me. I really can't think of any excuse that she can come up with.

I am planning on talking to her about it when we get back from vacation. I need a week to decompress first.

It's not just this one issue, it's the constant half truths and denial that has caused so much pain in my family. Not just from her but from everyone that has me devastated and I'm not being overly dramatic by using that word.

My sister cried to Mike last weekend that she did all he could to protect me and I truly believe her on that. I just wish she could have gotten more help.

I have thought of not much else but this for a week and I think I may set up an appointment to talk to someone about it. I feel so betrayed and angry.

20 Years?? Are you kidding me?

2007-05-24T09:19:00.000-04:00

I got an email earlier this week that my 20 year high school reunion is September 8th. To be honest, I'm kind of psyched about it. I was one of those people that got along pretty decently with everyone with the exception of one or two people. I guess I floated well between most of the cliques.

The only issue is that I had more friends in the class above and below me than in mine. The girl I dated was a year younger so all of her friends were in the class under mine. I think I knew the older classes because a lot of them worked for my Mom at the mall.

So anyway, it's being held at some country club I've never heard of, but that area has developed so much since I've lived there that doesn't surprise me.

The girl that is setting it up was the head cheerleader (go figure). She also was my lab partner for two years in chemistry and physics (her last name was right before mine in the alphabet). She was good for blowing things up when we weren't supposed to be obviously.

Should be interesting to see reactions to me being gay. Not that I was ever any kind of big jock, but I certainly wasn't out to anyone and dated all through school. The last time I saw people from school in any big group was at a wedding about 18 years ago and I showed up with my fiance at the time.

Well at the very least, Mike and I will get a weekend away.

By the way eight more days till vacation!

One of Those Days

2007-05-23T12:51:00.000-04:00

Today is turning out to be one of those days where everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. It's actually getting to be kind of amusing. My boss and I shared a laugh about it.

Two more days till a three day weekend, then four days till vacation!

UPDATE:

OK things are better. Whoever was stepping on my karma this morning seems to have gotten off of it.

Crisis averted! Problems solved!

Plus my boss left early!

On A Countdown to Vacation

2007-05-21T09:20:00.000-04:00

We had a great weekend. On Friday after trying to figue out where we wanted to go for dinner, we ended up on the couch with Chinese food. Cant beat that!

Saturday was a really nice day and that afternoo we headed over to Mark and Bill's. Mark needed our help putting his gazebo together for the pool yard. We got to meet Bill's sister and brother-in-law, who were a lot of fun. We went to dinner and then bowling after that. I SUCK so bad at bowling. It was only the second time I have ever gone, but you would think I could hit something....but no! Although the beer did help me not care about it.

Sunday was a great day too. Mike and I went into Philly to walk around and then we had to pick up his truck on the way back. Burgers on the grill for dinner when we got home, and then the weekend was done.

All in all a great weekend. Mike and I having been spending a lot of time with Mark and Bill whch has been great. They are awesome friends.

I have actually been feeling a lot better lately and feel the funk going away. We are leaving for vacation a week from Saturday. I am really looking forward to it!

Twelve Years

2007-05-08T05:32:00.000-04:00

Twelve years ago today is the day I met my partner, Mike. I still find myself loving him more all the time and I am so happy to be with him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he makes me a complete person.

I love you Michael.

Hoping for a Change

2007-05-04T08:22:00.000-04:00

I had a great interview yesterday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to check my email every 5 minutes.

I'm not giving out anymore details so I don't jinx myself.

In My Siblings' Eyes

2007-04-29T09:34:00.000-04:00

I talked to my Mom last weekend, and it seemed to go well. I basically said to her that if she wanted or felt the need to talk about things that went on, that I would.
However, I was fine with the past and didn't feel the need to dwell on it anymore. She asked me if I was OK and I told her I was. Apparently that was all she needed to hear so the subject was dropped.

There may be unresolved issues and some left over emotions from the past, but I will deal with them on my own. A part of me doesn't want to discuss them with my Mom. After all, she in some ways was part of the problem, not the solution.

I have been spending a lot of time on the phone with my sister as of late, and that is where I have been dealing with much of my issues with my Mom. For some reason, my sister seems to be the one that sat out in the background and watched it all take place. She filed away most of the details and kept them to herself and just waited for someone to ask what happened. I am amazed at how much she seems to know and just didn't tell anyone.

It's funny that as a child and young adult, I would look at my siblings as being some sort of older, wiser group of people that I would never be a part of. Lately, especially in the last 18 months, I have come to see them as my equals and in some cases, extremely broken and dysfunctional people.

Both of my brothers have a multitude of issues that I can't even begin to describe; some the same as me and some that are much more twisted and dark. The one thing that my sister and I cam both agree on though, is that they are both trying to avoid the bottom line issue that they both may be gay.

It was good to hear her say that because I thought I was the only one that thought that. It all would make sense though.

I feel as though all of this drama has brought me back to the relationship with my sister that I used to have and that I longed to have back again. More importantly, I feel like I have grown up in her eyes and have become a friend and confidant as well as still being her little brother.

When the Past Rears its Ugly Head

2007-04-20T07:58:00.000-04:00

I have had an odd month.

My brother is currently in counseling to deal with some issues that he is having, mostly stemming from father issues and his denial of life. That started to make me think about growing up in a highly dysfunctional and abusive family. I dealt with most of these issues in counseling years ago and thought I had moved beyond them.

Jump ahead a few weeks, and I get home on a Friday and Mike is on the phone with my Mom. My brother apparently talked to her about things that were going on with him and that caused the floodgates to open with her and Mike was there to catch it all from her. After a two hour discussion on the phone, he proceeds to tell me all of these things that she told him about my Dad.

Talk about getting thrown into a tailspin!

All of the anger issues that I used to have just came flying back up to the surface, and for the past few weeks, I have just been in this funk that I remember from back before counseling. Just really been down in the dumps.

So I ended up talking to me sister about a lot of things and she really helped. She reminded me that it's OK to be really pissed off at my Mom and Dad. My Dad for the abuse and my Mom for her reaction or the lack of. Deb and I have gotten close again through the last year and a half of all this crap going on and it's been great.

Anyway, so between all of that going on and tyring to get myself out of the funk, the last thing I have felt like doing is blog. But then it occured to me, that maybe when I get into times like this, I should blog more. I do enjoy writing about things, so I'm going to be using this for an outlet. Who knows if it will be chronological or if it's just going to be random thoughts but we'll see.

So I'm feeling a lot better, Mike and my sister and Dina actually have been a big help. Things will get better. I'm not going to let this crap take over again.

I will be talking to my Mom this weekend about a few things though. I want to let her know that I understand that she has finally decided to face some of the decisions that she made while we were growing up and I will be there for her if she needs me, but I don't want to dwell on them anymore because it's not a place I want to or need to visit again.

Dad Issues

2007-03-28T10:38:00.000-04:00

It's no secret to anyone that reads this blog or that knows me that I have a fucked up family. I have two older brothers and an older sister. They are both from my Mom's first husband, who by the way was my Dad's brother. Yeah...see?

The four of us have never really considered each other step siblings or anything like that so the two different father thing has always been a non issue. My Dad came into the picture when they were still fairly young anyway. Then I came along a few years later. There is a significant age difference between me and the next one up, 13 years, so it truly wasn't until recently that I feel like I have moved up in status to an equal to them as opposed to the "little brother".

My oldest brother was the source of a HUGE family blowup last year that is still going on on some level. I haven't spoken to him since last February and I truly don't plan on that changing. He has always been a horrible person to me and I never truly cared to be around him anyway. I guess I do love him on some level, so of like the "love your fellow man" deal but I really don't care to know what happens to him on a day to day basis.

My sister and I have gotten closer again in the last year or so which I am very happy about. Some of that has been brought on by me having to be more responsible for my Mom and the break from our brother, etc. She has had her own share of issues, but I think that she is truly happy where she is now in life and I am very happy for her.

My other brother has had quite a few issues lately. Most of them will not be discussed here because that's not fair to him but lets just say he's go a lot of stuff going on lately. I have talked to him more in the past few weeks than I have in the past few months. I care about him a alot and I hope this all works out for him, especially now that he is in counseling.

All of this lately has been bringing me back mentally to the crap that our Dad put us through growing up. All four of us seem to have different issues that surfaced over the years resulting from it. Some of us have dealt with it and moved on and some of us haven't or are doing it now. I went through counselling years ago and dealt with most stuff then but still have things surface from time to time.

When my brother started having problems lately, it really has got me thinking again. I try to gloss over my Dad sometimes by saying, "Well he was dealing with things the only way he knew how." or "It was a different time back then and he did what he could." But on some level recently I think I have begun to think that is a real cop out for dealing with the fact that my Dad really didn't care about the fallout from what he did to us (the 3 boys specifically) as we were growing up and in one case, even beyond that.

I have felt myself getting really angry at him, and at life in general and where the four of us have ended up. I am not the type of person that believes in blaming everything on the past because there does come a point where you have to move on. But, I feel like the road that the four of us were put on was in a sense out of our control.

And to be honest, it really pisses me off... a lot.

It sucks to have memories that you don't want that tend to pop up when you don't want them to. It sucks to see your Mom and siblings have to have the same thing happen.

My father passed away 16 years ago, so I don't have someone to call and say, "Damn you really fucked us up!" I just have to deal with it myself. I don't talk to anyone really other than Mike about the details because it is a very personal thing, but I will be venting on here a few times.

I feel like it's all at the surface again.

I've Been Angry A Lot Lately

2007-03-10T09:06:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting much recently because I feel like I've just been angry constantly. Not towards anything in my personal life actually, just work and things in general. All the crap with Ann Coulter really started it a few weeks ago, then every time I watch the news it seems to get worse. I am also in the middle of reading Blinded by the Right by David Brockand that isn't making things much better.

I used to feel like all of the discrimination towards gay people would stop at some point and people would get over it and grow up but it doesn't seem like it. I used to not take it personally because I figured that in my little world of influence, it didn't really happen and now I do take it personally. Maybe I should have the whole time.

Let's look at Mzzz Coulter first. My problem with the whole thing is that if she had been referring to Barak Obama, she would NOT have used the word "nigger". The bottom line is that people don't realize, and I was one of them strangely enough, that nigger and faggot are the same thing. They are both extremely hateful words that in certain contexts are used to discriminate against groups of people.

Now I don't think that either word should be banned from the the language, that is truly a slippery slope that we can't even begin to start walking on. But I do think that educating people on the hatefulness behind those words is a small start.

Here is something else that I was talking to a good friend of mine about that may seem contradictory. There are times that those words may be OK. I think there is a serious difference between the word "fag" and the word "faggot". I have been known to refer to people even friends as fags. I have used the phrase, "Faggin' out" to describe myself sometimes. I guess it may be the same as "nigga" vs "nigger"?

I don't know I guess it's all very complicated but it really pissed me off. I know that Anne likes all of this because she is basically a polarizing personality that enjoys the attention.

But seriously? Does who I sleep with and who I am attracted to, REALLY bother people that much? Does the fact that I have been in a committed relationship for almost 12 years with someone that I love REALLY upset the fact that some people can marry and divorce sometimes yearly? Which one of us is upsetting the alleged institution of marriage?

Then I look at people like Isaiah Washington and think, wow if anyone should get it should be you. But clearly he doesn't and that is because of another misconception.

Guess what people?

We.were.born.this.way.

If you don't believe that, then of course you don't think it's discriminatory and hateful. I just really can't believe that in the 21st century, that this debate is still going on.

I heard someone on the radio this week bring up a point that I had never heard argued before. Do you understand why there is such a push to change the constitution to say that marriage is only between a man and a woman? It's a little thing called section one of the 14th amendment to the constitution.

It states the following:
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

HMMM it seems that all people should have the same rights as everyone else.

But then again this administration and most of the current conservative movement seems to think that it's OK to take away rights. After all aren't we just protecting the "American Way"?

OK I'm done ranting for now and to lighten the mood I want you to go this website and read this and laugh out loud like I did.

Who Knew Ann Liked This?

Trying to Clean up

2007-03-06T09:54:00.000-05:00

Our admin quit with no notice a couple weeks ago. It turns out she was hardly doing her job anyway. We have spent the last few weeks cleaning up. Unfortunately, a lot of the mistakes she made can't be found until something comes up with that particular record.

I feel like I have spent the last two weeks apologizing. I just don't get people who don't like their job. so then feel the need to sabotage it for everyone there.

In the long run it's great that she isn't here, it's just a pain in the ass cleaning up after her.

OK Which One to Believe?

2007-02-27T09:35:00.000-05:00

Can I ask a question? Why is is that when someone claims to have found the burial site of Jesus they are questioned but yet no one questions the validity of the virgin birth or the literal resurrection of Jesus?

Having grown up in the church, some of my belief structure is still in tact, so I don't necessarily consider myself an agnostic or an atheist, I think I;m kind of somewhere in between. However, I do find it interesting that when someone comes along and offers an alternative view to Christianity their find is doubted and immediately someone comes a long to try and disprove it.

Is it possible that it's true. It is very possible that a virgin did not give birth, someone did not rise from the dead, or that a flood did not destroy the earth 5000 years ago, etc.

Why isn't it OK to question any of that?

Is This Jesus' Tomb?

OOPS Sorry

2007-02-14T16:47:00.000-05:00

I was so busy ranting (see below) that I forgot...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Really annoyed today

2007-02-14T16:00:00.000-05:00

I worked from home today. We had a pretty nasty snow/sleet/ice/back to snow storm. My car isn't the best in the snow and I travel over an hour on a good day so I figured it was worth it to stay home.

I called in at around 7 to let my boss know and I also talked to two of our instructors that were teaching today. They both said they would be at the client's site like they were scheduled.

Well the first call at 7:45 was from my boss asking if I had heard from my admin. Of course I hadn't but I told her I would call her to find out where she was, the whole time wondering why she couldn't have called her. When I got a hold of her she said that her power was out and that she wouldn't be making it in today and that she had left a voice mail on my phone at work. I told her no big deal and next time to leave it on the general voice mail so my boss would get it and then hung up.

I called the office back and got voice mail and left a message that my admin wouldn't be in either and that she had left a voice mail on my phone at work. I also said that I had brought a lot of work home last night figuring that I may stay home.

At 8:45 my boss calls again, this time asking if I had spoken to one of our instructors that was now late for his class. I told her that as a matter of fact I had just gotten off the phone with him and he was stuck in traffic but was on his way. She sounded pissed off at that and just sighed. I did remind her of the storm outside and the traffic that was most likely slowing him down but she still sounded pissed.

I talked to her off and on throughout the day and every time she sounded annoyed that was at home. Even though I was calling to ask her to get information for me that proved I was obviously actually working from home. In addition to that, I was also answering her emails quickly so she would see that I was checking them frequently.

Then when I called at 3:45 to get another piece of information from her, I went straight to voice mail which told me that she had closed the office early and went home.

OK...I'm annoyed. She drives 10 minutes to work on I-95, I drive over an hour on back country roads. I thought that my car and my physical well being was more important than driving all the way in to sit at my desk and call clients that weren't there anyway.

Mike works for a HUGE national corporation and they told him to stay home.

I need a new job.

I'm just annoyed and pissed off at the whole attitude that I got from her. I feel like going outside with my camera phone to prove to her that we got a lot more snow then where the office is.

I won't though because I really don't need to prove myself to her.

Dinner and Friends

2007-02-11T09:20:00.000-05:00

It's been a quiet weekend for the most part so far. I have a cold and I'm not really feeling like doing much of anything. I don't feel sick at all, I just have more snot coming out of my nose than should be humanly possible. (Sorry if that was gross). But seriously? Enough already.

We went out to dinner with Dina on Friday night to one of my favorite restaurants. It's a place called Rino's; little italian place that just seems to have awesome food all the time and more importantly, a HUGE beer selection.

I ended up getting what I always get which is chicken piccata. No one, and I mean NO ONE makes it as good as they do. I was in the mood for a Sierra Nevada on tap but it turned out that they had Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA....ummmmm YAY! That's only like one of the best beers ever.

Dina is such a great friend to the both of us. She truly is the best fag hag ever. It was awesome to spend some time together catching up, it's been awhile. We met about 4 years ago at the company that we both used to work for. I actually didn't like her when we first met, I thought she was really loud. But it took no time whatsoever to change that and I fell in love with her as did Michael. Actually come to think of it, all of our friends did. But she's ours!

She got married about a year and a half ago and Bill has become a great friend as well. He's learned quite a bit for a straight man who really had no experience being around a group of gay men. I'm proud of the guy!

We came back to the house after dinner so Dina could be molested by Rocky. Rocky loves her too, well actually who doesn't he love?

Dina doesn't have Sirius radio so I was showing her what it could do and when she realized there was a Broadway channel, she needed to have it! After every song ended, she sat there and said, "OOOO What's next?" She's the best!

Saturday we hung out all day at home and then went out to dinner with Mark and Bill. We went to Cheeseburger in Paradise. Great place, great food, reasonable prices, but horrible service. This is the second time we have gone and both time we have come up against that.

Watching Mark with Bill has been great. You can tell that they are truly in love with each other. Bill has been a great addition to the group and it's already like he has been there the whole time. I told Mark the other day that we loved Bill but more importantly we loved Mark with Bill. He seems so much happier and Mike and I couldn't be happier for him. It's nice to be able to go out with our best friend AND his partner.

So now we come to Sunday and nothing on the agenda but a Costco run and that's it.

I'm so psyched about the next couple weekends. We have the Trace Adkins concert next Saturday and then the King Tut exhibit the following. NICE!

Turns out Rocky is a Wrestler not a Boxer

2007-02-08T08:58:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday night, I had to take Rocky to the vet for his checkup and booster shots. I never have an issue taking him because he is just happy to be him and he's always happy to see other people.

I got home from work a little early, changed clothes, put Rocky in the back of the SUV and off we went.

When we got there, he was ecstatis to see other dogs and of course thought they all needed to play with him. I am so glad that Mike and I have him trained with a harness on not a collar because he would have hurt himself trying to pull away. The harness is a godsend because when Rocky pulls away from me, it pull his whole body back and actually forces him to sit down. It's awesome.

Anyway, I got him settled in the waiting room, with the occassional sigh and whimper letting me know that he absolutely was going to explode if I didn't let him go visiting.

We got called into the examining room a few minutes later to meet the doctor. When she came in, Rocky started wiggling like there was no tomorrow and just had to lick her face. He's not a huge dog,(only 65 pounds) but he's very strong and muscular so trying to keep him still was a challenge. His little nub was going a mile a minute!

The doctor needed to check him over and how she could even feel anything on him was a mystery to me, since he could not stay still. When she needed to hear his heartbeat, I had to wrap both of my arms around him to hold him still. I kept apologizing to the doctor but she kept saying that Rocky was great and it wasn't an issue. She had dealt with too many dogs where the alternative was happening and this was a change she could handle.

Well then she needed to give him his shots so she called in one of the vet techs. I was happy to see it was a tech named Mark who had helped me out so much when Brutus was ill and had been very suuportive when we had to finally let him go. (And it also helps that he is really cute!)

Mark came in a held Rocky's head while I held him body and the doctor administered his shots. Mark was getting his face licked like crazy, so I'm sure he was happy about that. Rocky didn't flinch once while he was getting his shots, but I'm sure e didn't even notice with all of the wiggling going on.

Then the doctor informed me that she needed to draw blood for his heartworm test. Ummmmm yeah.

So Mark and I held on to Rocky even tighter but that only made him squirm even more. I eventually had to climb up on the table and lay on top of Rocky so that his leg was still enough to have blood drawn. Yeah, that was fun.

When we were finally finished, Rocky had a clean bill of health. The doctor said he was obviously very active and well taken care of, and of course extremely happy!

I opened the door of the exmaning room and walked out into the waiting area. I was all sweaty and Rocky was panting like crazy. A woman near the door said to me, "What was going on in there?" I just looked at her and said, "Oh nothing, just a little wrestling match with the dog."

Rocky of course was looking at me with a look on his face like, "Wow Dad that was fun, can we do it again?"

Not Much to Report

2007-02-06T08:56:00.000-05:00

OK Seriously, does it really need to be this cold? I feel bad for people like Mike who work outside all day. At least I can sit in the office and be warm all day.

Rocky runs out and back in like a madman. It's pretty damn funny. I guess I would be that way too if I had to go outside barefoot to pee and poop.

We had a great weekend, I was just glad to not be dealing with the crap at this office. I have decided not to let it get to me, because I'm not the one with the issues. I'm the sales manager, I'm the one in charge. If they all have issues, then that's their problem not mine.

Anyway, back to the weekend. We basically spent the entire weekend with Mark and Bill. They have decided to move in together which is awesome! Mike and I are so happy for them. We love Bill and more importantly, we love Mark with Bill. The other big news is that they are getting a puupy in March. So now Rocky will have a little girlfriend. Now I really need to get him through training school.

Mike and I are doing well. Although I feel like we haven't had a lot of time together lately just one on one, but I will work on changing that. I am looking forward to warmer weather so we can get back into mornings in the hot tub, etc.

Family stuff is moving along fine. I have been working on getting to know my sister again, which is great. I have missed being in contact with her. We really weren't angry with each other about anything, we just kind of fell out of touch with each other. I have been wanting that to change so I have made it a point to email and call her more often.

Well that's the catch up. I hve some more stories to tell but I wanted to get this update with something this morning.

Work Issues

2007-02-01T08:47:00.000-05:00

I am so tired of having people think that they are "entitled" to things. Why do people do that? Our training manager walked out on us last week and now my admin is most likely going to do the same thing.

They both have this "us against them" mentality that dirves me nuts! I'm sorry but life does not owe any one anything! There is no reason why it should. Whatever happened to working like a team so that the entire company is successful?

I'm not the model employee and I have never claimed to be, but still, I want to make money and succeed. Bottom line is we all want more money, why would you deliberately sabotage things to make the opposite happen and then complain about it?

Here's a concept, get off the phone, stop talking to your friends all day an DO SOMETHING!!!!!

And as far as our training manager is concerned, what the hell is wrong with his wife? He has been caught numerous times cheating on you. He has children to prove it and yet not only are you still around, but you clearly support him in his job abandonment and your friend (my admin) doing the same!

Oh and by the way, I love the way both of them are selectively Christian. Come on, just drop it! I went to the same type church, I was involved in the ministry so I know first hand how all of you work. Just fuckin drop it already.

Wow...OK I feel better!

Fake or Real and ExGay Memories

2007-01-26T09:30:00.000-05:00

So the whole Donnie Davies thing seems to be a hoax, which in the long run is good. But I still remember guys in exgay ministries that acted just like that. It was all very surreal when I look back on it.

The guy that ran the local group that I was part of in Baltimore was married to this overbearing woman who was clearly an aging fag hag, and he freely admitted that when he was gay, he was heavily into the leather/BDSM community. The guy that I was closest to, that ran my small group until I took it over was a seriously sex addicted, OCD afflicted, married man. It was just a mess of men mostly who had so many issues above and beyond being gay that it's no wonder that the were all in counseling.

Now I can't leave myself out of that group, I had my own share of major issues as well. Most of which stemmed from not being comfortable yet with being gay on top of dealing with my Dad coming out and shortly thereafter passing away.

We would meet once a week in a large group of men and women and then break up into smaller groups after the fact. In the small groups we would all sit around and talk about our "struggles" during the week; I imagine it was all very much like an AA meeting. Then if we needed to talk during the week, we could go in for one on one type stuff. I used to just go sometimes to hang out at the office during the week and help out. I actually used to write sometimes for their newsletter....WHATEVER!

Every once in awhile someone would have a serious "fall" during the week, which basically meant they got laid. Sometimes it was even me! Although I didn't admit it as much as it really happened. One of the funniest times was when I was a group leader and we had all gone out for dinner together one summer night. It was at a restaurant in downtown Baltimore that had outside seating and it was just an awesome summer evening. One of the guys in my group, that I was supposed to be overseeing, and I were having a great time and after everyone broke up and went home, we decided to stop by the bar in the place and have a beer or two.

Well one thing led to another and we ended up at the gay bar up the street making out all night like crazy! I remember he was this hot black man that was an office in the Army. OOPS!

We eventually admitted it to the leader of the ministry and we were separated and I was demoted from my position as group leader for a few weeks until they were satisfied that had sufficiently repented. If I remember correctly, the other guy ended up leaving and I don't know whatever happened to him.

I have story after story of guys that I ran into after I left the church and came out again. I would see them out at bars, at the beach in Rehoboth, etc. Some of them were still allegedly in the group which I thought was hysterical.

I do think of some of those guys sometimes and wonder where they are. I feel bad for them and i do truly do miss their friendship. I think a lot of them were there for what they thought were genuine reasons, and they couldn't get to a point to where they realized that it was OK to be gay.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things only because I do carry some guilt about the whole experience. I am at a point in my life where I am happy with who I am and I have an awesome partner, good friends, and a great life; and I wish I could go back and tell them that it's not so bad over here on this side of things. It's OK, you just need to get over the rough part.

I hope they find happiness somewhere along the road.

Update on Donnie Davies

2007-01-25T06:12:00.000-05:00

OK is it a joke? or not?

This was on Joe's site this morning, and while it's disturbing, it's also really kinda funny.

Some people seem to think it's a joke, but like I said in the comment on Joe's site, I have been there and they really talk this way. Wow, wait a minute, that means I talked that way once.

UGH, I have been up in front of congregations telling my story, about my path "out of homosexuality". What the hell? I am so far removed from being that person anymore thankfully, but it's scary as hell to look back on that time.

HMMMMMM, I see a multipart blog entry coming up on the freak show that is ex gay ministries.

Anyway, check out this new video from Joe.My.God's website.

Seriously People?

2007-01-24T10:59:00.000-05:00

I got an email this morning from my buddy JJ over at The Churning .

Check this out and see if you are as amused and frightened by this as we were.

Gay Bands

I can remember going to seminars and being given books to read on the "evils" of some kinds of music when I was in the church. It's amazing how they think that simply by listening to music, your beliefs and sexual preference can be swayed.

Damn it! Now I realize that having an older brother that listened to disco music MUST be the reason I'm gay. And here I thought it was just because my Dad was and I may have gotten that trait from him.

UPDATE:
I looked into this group a little more and it turns out, it's yet another closeted self hating gay man who has started a "ministry" to change us from our "evil" ways. He has a new song out by the way called the Bible Says in which he sings very joyfully I might add, that "God hates fags". Wow...way to show the love of Christ.

Check out the video, it's good for a laugh.

The Bible Says

For those of you that read this blog you know that I used to be a group leader in a group similar to this and after suffering major physical and emotional trauma going through the alleged cure, came out on the other side realizing that God created me to be a gay man and he/she still loves me for it.

These people really are amazing to me. That they can justify hatred by covering it with religion just boggles my mind. HMMMM and they are the first to jump on Islamic extremists too, just goes to show you that extremism in ANY religion can be dangerous.

Changed Views

2007-01-22T09:29:00.000-05:00

Since today is "Blog for Choice Day", I thought I'd put my two cents in for what it's worth.

When I was doing my time in the church and was being Mr. Super Christian, I subscribed to the fact that abortion was murder, since that is what the church taught. That was back when I seemed to have lost the ability for rational thought.

After I left the church, (well after they asked me to leave), I started to rethink a lot of things and abortion rights was one of them.

Now let me start by saying that as a man, I will thankfully never have to make a decision like that, and that unless I was married to a woman who was going through that I have no right to say a word.

In short, my opinion is that while I may not agree with all of the reasons to abort a pregnancy, I also do not think that taking away a woman's right to choose is the way to go about it either. In a perfect world, it would never happen, but in case you haven't looked around recently, it's far from perfect. I think even the most ardent pro choice supporter would feel the same way.

Bottom line is that 30 years ago, the Supreme Court decided that women should have the right to choose what happens to her body and we don't have the right to take that away. Law should not be based on personal feelings or religious beliefs. It is based on law, period.

Sunday Morning Ramblings

2007-01-21T09:45:00.000-05:00

Mike and I went to a suprise party for a friend's partner last night. We drove up there with Mark and Bill. On the way home, I was thinking about the party and the drive up and back and i realized how much fun we all have together. It is so nice to laugh that hard with friends.

At the party, we met up with the rest of the usual gang; Gregg and Blair and like always, had our own party within a party goin on. We did end up talking to some people that we don't normally see, which goes back to the new outlook for 2007. The food was great and the company even better.

The guys will all be out of town next weekend, so Mike and I are looking forward to a much needed weekend on our own. As much as I love our gang, it's nice to be alone for a few days, or at least on our own schedule. We may even venture out to Philly to the bar to see what's been going on since we haven't been there in forever.

We also stopped by to see my Mom yesterday, and she is doing so well in her new place. The doctor actually told her this past week that she may even be able to go off her blood pressure meds since it seems to be back in the normal range. Mike and I have worked really hard to make her place look great and at this point, 90% of her furniture is brand new and she is extremely happy with it all. She is making new friends in the building and going places with them and just an all around different, happier person.

Lately i have been emailing my sister a lot. She is down in Myrtle Beach and has lived there with her boyfriend for a few years now. I have been excited to find that our relationship seems to be getting better. I feel like we had grown apart over the last 10 years, not for anything really serious, just from a lack of contact. I have always felt extremely close to her and I love the fact that we talk again regularly.

Well those are my ramblings for Sunday morning. I may have more later, who knows?

Thanks Written Rebellion

2007-01-20T08:28:00.000-05:00

I found this link on a new blog buddy's page and I think it's a good idea. I will hold off on blogging about how my thoughts on this issue have changed over the years until Monday though.

Click on the button and see if you think you'd be interested in joining the day.

Check out Melissa's site too.

Crazy Couple of Weeks

2007-01-19T09:09:00.000-05:00

My boss has been in Florida since before the holiday. So in addition to my job, I have been doing hers. That's why there has been a slowdown in posting again.

I feel like I've been going crazy, going in too many directions at once. (Kind of like my hormones at a Codes concert)

But she is back today, so I will be back as well!

High School Dating

2007-01-10T10:13:00.000-05:00

I have been enjoying sattelite radio since the holidays. I truly didn't think I would completely give up regular radio so fast but I have. One of the stations that I have become addicted to is the 80s station, go figure. Some of those songs bring back some crazy high school memories. Add this to the fact that this year is my 20 year reunion and you can imagine that I have been doing some reminiscing.

A couple nights ago on the way home I heard, "The Search is Over" by Survivor. That song was deemed by the girl I was dating in high school, to be "our song". UGH SERIOUSLY!

I met Becky in tenth grade health class, we actually didn't start dating until the summer after and then we dated until a few months after I graduated. She was a nice girl, pretty good looking actually and kind of a freak sexually. Those details won't be going in this blog, but lets just say we did a lot of really interesting things in interesting places.

Anyway, hearing that song brought me right back to being an awkward kid in high school in the 80s. I sort of knew I was gay, but didn't really know how to go from there. My best friend in school was gay and no one really seemed to care much so it wasn't like I was in any danger if I came out. I went to high school in a very yuppie-type suburb of Baltimore so being gay wasn't a HUGE issue. If it was, I didn't see any of it.

Becky and I were very sexually active as I said, and that kind of kept my mind off of it. I have talked to friends who have never had sex with a woman, and they don't get it; but I always tell them that at 16, I didn't give a crap who it was with, it was sex! I was a teenager AKA a walking hormone.

Although knowing that I was most likely gay, caused me to put up with some really stupid shit from her. She was very abusive emotionally. Thinking back on it, I can't believe some of the crap I let her get away with. I guess part of me just didn't want to deal with having to find someone else to date so I put up with it. MAN I WAS STUPID! I missed out on a lot of things because she didn't want me to do them or she couldn't go with me so therefore I couldn't go.She was pretty rude to my family too which I should have never put up with.

Yeah, I was whipped!

I wonder what she's like now? I know she actually teaches at out high school. My niece had her when she went there. She actually still knew my birthday which was kind of creepy. Thankfully I don't need to worry about running into her at my reunion since she was a year behind me.

The funny part of it was that as soon as I graduated, I was over it. Then I think subconsciously I knew I could go out on my own and find it with a guy, and that is the year I did.

It wasn't all perfect after that though. As those of you who have read my older posts know, I ended up back in the closet after a relationship tanked and then got married. I'm not going to post about all of that again, at least not the same stories so go back and read the drama that was my life.

Rainy Monday

2007-01-08T08:59:00.000-05:00

Nothing like a grey Monday full of rain to welcome you back to work week. Although my GM is still out of town so life is a little easier.

Mike and I had a great weekend. I think it was the first one in over a month, where we didn't have someone staying over or visiting or a lot to do. It was nice to just relax on our own.

On Friday, we had a few errands to run and ended up at a place in Exton called Town Center. it is one of those shopping centers that is set up to look like a small town. They have fake phone booths on the street and everything. It's got some cool places to eat and shop but I just like to laugh at the whole concept. We went to a place there called Appetites on Main (you know cause it is on "main street"). There is always an odd mix of gay and straight couples there that I have yet to figure out. The first time I went there was with Dina during lunch and we were literally waiting for the disco ball to drop from the ceiling and YMCA to come blasting out of speakers. And yet again, it was the same odd mix. Oh well, that comes with living in "yuppieville" I guess.

Saturday was an awesome 70 degrees here in the northeast and I enjoyed every second of it. We had windows open and washed the cars and Rocky was enjoying spending the day outside as well. other than that, nothing really to report.

We had to meet GG and Blair and a few other friends for dinner at 9. We were all getting together to celebrate Blair's 50th birthday. It's funny how your perception of age changes. I used to think 50 was so old, but know that a lot of my friends are close to that age or older, it's really no big deal at all. Remind me of that statement in 13 years by the way.

Dinner was a really good time. There were seven of us at an Asian place called P.F. Changs. The food was great and the company was fun a lot of fun.

Afterwards, Mike and I decided to pop into this small, local, gay bar near us just for a drink or two. It had been a long time since we had been out on our and own and thought this was something that needed to be rectified. All part of the "Year of Us". I love walking into a small bar like that when you aren't a "regular". People are sooooo subtle. The other thing I love about small town bars is being able to order two drinks, give the bartender a $10 and then get change back. We only hung out for one drink, but it was fun to just sit and talk one on one. It's nice that after almost 12 years, we can still do that and have a blast.

Sunday we had to go to my Mom's and take down her tree. Then we were taking her to go get a new corner cabinet for her place. GG and Blair helped us out since our SUV isn't quite big enough. We went and got it, then while Blair and Mike put it together, Gregg and I took Mom to the grocery store then went to get lunch for everyone. By the time we got back, the cabinet was put together and everything was in it. Blair and Mike did a great job.

It was fun hanging out with those guys and I totally love the fact that they have been such a big part in helping out with my Mom. It means a lot to me that my friends, Mark and Bill included take the time to make my Mom feel like a part of the group and have even volunteered to drop in on her from time to time if they are in the area. I love my friends a lot.

Sunday night was just that. out usual night to decompress from the weekend and get ready for another week.

PS - The weight loss is working. I've lost another five pounds! YAY!

Time for a Change

2007-01-06T09:49:00.000-05:00

I need to change my blog around and I'm getting annoyed that I can't find a good one to change to. I had thought about changing to WordPress but it turns out I can't since I've changed to the "new" blogger.com.

So I'll keep looking, and in the meantime, keep your eye out for changes on the Brutus' Dad blog.

Marriage vs Civil Unions

2007-01-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about posting about this for awhile and wasn't sure how to word it, but this is something that has been bothering me for a long time. With states like Massachusetts and now New Jersey granting same sex couples the benefit of legal recognition, I've heard people now saying that they want marriage or nothing else.

I don't see the issue at all. I think the fact that same sex couples are asking for marriage rights is the entire problem. In my opinion, marriage is a religious ceremony and a civil union is a secular one. I don't think the government has the right to ask churches to marry a gay couple if it is something that they don't believe in. Civil Unions offer us the same legal status as a married straight couple and that's all I'm concerned about. Does it really matter that I wouldn't be able to get married in a church? Not to me.

Here's an idea, let's offer civil unions to straight couples that don't feel the need for a church ceremony as well. We really only need the legal recognition from the state and let's stay out of the church/marriage mess.

By constantly bringing the word marriage into the argument, people get themselves all in a craze, on both sides. Let.it.go.

Mike and I have been together for almost 12 years and all we are asking for is the ability to file taxes together and that sort of thing. I don't give a crap if the church down the street recognizes my relationship. And I also think that should be the same for straight couples as well.

I'm sure I may hear from people who disagree and that's fine. This is just my opinion and no one's opinions are wrong.

Oh, I also think that in 10-15 years, this won't even be an issue anyway. I know the generation coming up behind me doesn't give a crap about who marries who for the most part.

Back to Work

2007-01-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

It was awesome having ten days off, but now I'm back to work. The nice thing is that I'm the boss until the end of month as my GM is in Florida. That makes for a little less stress.

Rocky was annoyed that he actually had to drag himself out of bed this morning. After a week of being able to sleep in until, well until he felt like getting up. He was so tired after New Year's Eve, he hardly got off the couch yesterday.

Speaking of Rocky, today marks the one year anniversary of when we got him. He came into our lives at a really horrible point, but he has definitely healed the hole in my heart left by Brutus. I will always miss him, but I know he watches over Rocky.

Welcome to 2007!

2007-01-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year all!

2006 was a rough year; from the passing of Brutus to losing some friends to unnecessary drama and then the family crap. Mike and I are going to work to make 2007 a great year.

We were at Mark's last night for a small dinner with Bill, Gregg, Blair, and Brant. We had a toast to 2007 before we ate and we pledged to make this a drama free year.

Personally, I've never been a big proponent of New Year's resolutions, but I would like to make an effort to become a better person all around. I would like to be a better partner to Mike, a better friend to our awesome circle of buddies, a better son to my Mom, a better brother to my siblings and a better uncle to my nieces and nephews.

The one major thing I learned last year, and it stems from the untimely death of Brutus, is that life is way too short and sometimes can be even shorter than expected. Because of that, we need to life live to its fullest and not get bogged down but unneeded drama and games from people who are not willing to give you the respect and love that you give them.

I want 2007 to be a year that sees a lot of great times and special memories. I wish that same for all of you.

Thursday Thoughts

2006-12-21T21:08:00.000-05:00

I just got done making an awesome holiday CD. I'm pretty proud of it if I do say so myself.

Today was the last full day of work until January and that is even better. Tomorrow we work until about noon, then our boss takes us out to lunch then home for 1o days....gotta love that!

Christmas shopping is done, especially thanks to Dina who is the best ever!

Wrapping is done. Can I tell you how much I hate that part? I'm just not good at it. Mike is awesome with it, but I'm sure it would be tacky to ask him to wrap his own presents.

Last weekend's birthday celebration and Mark's party was a blast! We got home at about 3:30 on Sunday morning. I think that qualifies for a good time. It was great to hang out with everybody. But more importantly is that Mark is so incredibly happy with his new man. Bill is awesome. Mike and I love him already!

Work has been a chore this week and I think it's all because I knew I had over a week off coming to me.

Rocky has done well with the tree and presents on the floor. He checked it out a few times, but really that's about it. I'm proud of the little guy! He's getting really tall, I think I need to post an updated picture.

Well that's kind of it for a Thursday night. I realize it was all very random, but....oh well, it's at least a post.

OH WAIT - My new favorite Christmas song? "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" If you haven't heard it, you have to. If you can't find it, email me and I'll send it to you.

37 Today

2006-12-16T15:04:00.000-05:00

37 is such a random number.

It's been a great birthday so far! Tonight is Mark's awesome annual Christmas party. Supposed to be over 40 people there this year so should be a blast.

What more could I ask for then to spend an evening partying with my best and closest friends and my incredible partner?

Rocky Receives an Edumacation

2006-12-05T10:09:00.000-05:00

For the first time as a dog owner, I have decided to enroll my pup in an obedience class. I was feeling a little defeated because of it yesterday but now I'm fine. Rocky has hit his teen years and has become quite the handful.

After a year of knowing all the basics; sit, stay, shake, down, come, he has decided to throw all of that out and strike out on his own. When you tell him to do something, you can see the look of understanding in his eyes, but it is immediately followed by, "ummmm yeah, I don't think I want to do that right now." Then the word "no" has lately been responded to with a series of what can only be described as puppy curse words.

Then after waking up at 3am on Sunday morning to find that for some reason he decided to chew on one of Michael's shoes, I realized it was time to get some assistance.

My little boy will be attending classes beginning in January. God help the other pups and owners in the class, it will be an experience for all.

Catch Up Time...Again

2006-11-28T16:28:00.000-05:00

I guess it's time to catch everyone up on the things going on in life and try once again to blog on a regular basis. I have all the usual excuses for not keeping this thing current so I won't even waste time going into it.

We got my Mom all settled in her new place which she really loves. It is such a relief to have her somewhere so nice and a place that she can actually go outside and not have to worry about the neighborhood. My Aunt is only 5 minutes from her so that makes it even better. (She's actually not my Aunt but my cousin, but we were never allowed to refer to an older relative by their first name so she became "Aunt...")

Mark's eye has been an issue lately again and we have been spending time with him. He had a cornea transplant last Monday so we are hoping that this will finally move the healing process along. Also it has given me great material for dead eye jokes. Speaking of Mark, he has been dating a really wonderful new guy that we all love. I has been great to see Mark so incredibly happy again, especially with all of the health issues he has had the past year or so. Bill is a great addition to the group and to more importantly to Mark's life and Mike and I are so excited and happy for him.

Bill is actually employed and lives on his own. Gotta love him for those two reasons alone. Well that and he likes beer as mush as I do. WOO HOO!

Thanksgiving was drama free. Mike and I went to my niece's house for dinner. It was just the two of us, Jackie, and her husband Tony and their two kids and my Mom. it was nice to spend the day with all of them. I'm sure my Mom was feeling a little down because of not seeing or speaking to my brother and his two other kids but she didn't mention it. There is some other family crap going on right now too but that deserves it's own entry.

We went to an event called Santa Saturday on Saturday (DUH). It is an annual bear/leather event for AIDS charity that we go to every yea. It was a blast as usual. The whole gang was there, with the exception of Mark and Bill, and a good time was had by all. Again, it also deserves it's own entry.

Sunday we went to Mark's again to help him finish some of his decorating since he's not allowed to lift anything or bend over at this point. AND Bill and I brewed our first batch of beer together. That was actually a blast and I a looking forward to learning more about it. We'll bottle it this Sunday and then it will be ready in February.

So that's the catch up for now. I hope to fill in all the details at another point. I also want to blog about some other things as well. I came across some childhood toys the other day that I want to talk about. I also have been toying the idea of going off on some people that deserve a wake up call about how they are really horrible friends, well actually just not good people at all to be honest. I really don't know if that's worth it actually. The only thing it does is make them post responses anonymously. I think they may think I'm actually that stupid.

That's it for now. I'm outta here!

Long Weekend

2006-11-13T10:17:00.000-05:00

I need a weekend to recover from the weekend!

We moved my Mom this weekend to a much nicer place closer to Mike and I. I am so happy that she's there. And she is too actually. This is a brand new building just for seniors so it's just such a better environment. She is also only 5 minutes from her favorite cousin so I'm sure she will be there a lot too.

My niece and her husband and a bunch of our friends helped out, so that made things a lot easier. By the time we left on Saturday evening, it looked like she had been there for a month.

This whole thing is just like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I fell so much better now. It's great to know that she is so happy and she has more freedom at this new place too, she doesn't have to worry about a bunch of lowlifes living near her.

The other exciting news of the weekend is that Saturday was Rocky's first birthday! YAY! So the little guy that came into our lives to to love us when Brutus died, is a whole year old. He's still a wackjob but I love his to death and wouldn't change him for the world.

We took him to a dog park near us for the first time and he had a blast for the little bit of time we were there. It was a crappy day on Sunday so there were only two dogs there. One of the guys there said that on a good day there are as many as 30 dogs! We'll try that out and see how he does.

We spent the rest of the day Sunday with Mark and Bill and I am so happy to see Mark finally with someone who makes him happy. So far Bill seems to be such a nice guy and we all really like him a lot. I am looking forward to getting to know him more and seeing him and Mark together.

That was the weekend, things are good. Now if I can just get some time alone with Mike, I would be even happier.

See ya Rick!

2006-11-07T23:09:00.000-05:00

UMMMM Buh-Bye Mr. Santorum!

Thank you for playing!

Rocky / Demon Spawn

2006-10-30T13:15:00.000-05:00

This weekend I was reminded again of the dog version of "terrible twos". We had friends in and out of the house all weekend and Rocky was a crazy pup the entire time. I love the little guy to death, but seriously? Who knew he jump over the back of the couch? And who knew he would land directly on my friend's testicles when landed after said jump?

Of course on Sunday night, not 15 minutes after two friends of ours left, he was sound asleep. Yeah...Kind of annoying. Mike and I kept telling people, "No really, he does listen." "He really does know how to sit."

Just amazing how one dog can harness that much energy only to have it literally explode all at once. The North Koreans have nothing on Rocky!

On a good note...we met Mark's new (ummmmm how do I refer to him at this point?) friend that is more than a friend but not quite a boyfriend yet. How's that? He seems like a really nice guy! He's into beer and he has a job, which is really all I need to know to like him. But all kidding aside. I'm very happy that Mark seems to be dating a very genuine and nice person.

If you get a chance and you feel the need to adopt a cute little boxer, the AABR has a few new pups to look at. Go on the site that I have linked below and check them out.

2006-10-23T20:21:00.000-04:00

In Hope: An Animal Shelter Story

This video makes a strong statement for making sure you're a responsible pet owner. A lot of the scenes in this broke my heart.

These animals depend on us and it kills me that people can do the things to them that they do.

The next to the last image has stuck in my head since I first saw this two weeks ago. It goes beyond having your pets spayed or neutered, people need to realize that pets are a lifetime commitment. Maybe not yours, but theirs.

Please take care of them.

Sunday night thoughts

2006-10-22T20:18:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting on the couch with the laptop being lazy. Mike and I are just watching TV and another weekend is winding down.

We had a great day together and now I'm watching our 11 month old boxer, Rocky fall asleep in his lap. I hate to sound all cheesy but it's times like this that make me really happy. It's just such a warm and comfortable feeling to be sitting here with the man I love and the dog that we both love.

Over the past year, I've come to realize that my family and friends are the most important things in my life. I think without them, I really wouldn't be who I am. Sometimes I think of the path that it took to get here and it's been an amazing journey.

I'm very thankful for Mike and Rocky and the friends around us as well as my family.

Another Weekend Update

2006-10-17T13:52:00.000-04:00

Had another good weekend. We went out to dinner with Mark on Friday night to one of my favorite places. It’s this little Italian place in Exton called Rino’s. It doesn’t look like much when you drive by but they have great food. 99.9% of the time, I get Chicken Piccata, but when I don’t get that I order their Mexican burger. NICE! Well until the next morning anyway.

Saturday, I got up early to take my car in for its 40K service. I took one of our laptops with me so I wouldn’t be bored and of course forgot to take the power cord. So I have something to do for all of about 45 minutes.

When I got home, we needed to get ready to head out to a party. We had run into a couple that we used to be incredibly close to years ago in the city last weekend and they invited us out to their new house for a spur of the moment, no particular reason party. We ended up having a great time.

One of the things that I have making a conscious effort to do is to meet new people when we go to something like that. I tend to stick with and talk to the people I know and not reach out to try and meet new ones. That was made a little easier by the fact that we only knew the hosts and one other couple there. I was pretty proud of myself actually. I ended up talking to a couple guys the whole night and getting to know them.

We headed home about at about 8 and stopped at Taco Bell on the way…YUM. It was actually kind of an early Saturday night for us. Though in our defense the party did start at 1, so we were there for awhile.

On Sunday, I got up and made my coffee and went in the hot tub. I haven’t done that in awhile but the weather on Sunday morning was perfect for it. There was frost on the ground and it was pretty chilly, but the sky was a perfect blue. Mike joined me about an hour later and we ended up sitting there talking for about another hour. Rocky doesn’t quite get the whole hot tub thing and he kept jumping up and putting his paws on the ledge of it to see what was going on.

We called Mark to see what he was doing and he had started with the cold that we all have had so he really didn’t feel like doing much, but I told him we would be over anyway to hang out and keep him company. I also wanted to give Rocky a chance to get out and run around the field behind Mark’s house.

On the way we stopped off at a pet store in West Chester to see if they had the jacket that we wanted to buy for Rocky. He gets really cold in the winter and we wanted to get him one, but we could only find the “girly” dog jackets and that’s not what we wanted. After all, as my boss says, Mike and I are “butchy” gays.

We ended up finding the exact jacket made by a company called Ruffwear so we were happy about that AND it was on sale…even better! We also got Rocky a new big boy harness which was cool too. All thanks to the lesbian behind the counter who was so cool, that we will probably make that a regular place for Rocky stuff.

The rest of the day comprised of hanging out with Mark, and then a road trip to find an ever elusive dog park that we finally did find, and then great sandwiches from a place called Lorenzo’s. We ate those at Mark’s and then headed home.

So all in all, it was a great weekend.

I have also volunteered to do a lot of administrative work for the Boxer Rescue group so hopefully I will start with that soon as well. I am turning into quite the rescue dog advocate and I’m trying desperately not to turn this blog into a forum for that, but I will warn my readers that this will pop up again more often than not.

I feel like I’m mostly out of the funk I was in and I’m actually looking forward to the holidays and the stress that comes along with them.

Its Friday

2006-10-13T09:43:00.000-04:00

I am so happy that today is Friday. Does it really matter that it's the 13th? I always thought that was so stupid. Numbers and dates don't have any power or significance unless we give it to them. It's just an odd aspect of humanity I guess.

I'm sitting at my desk enjoying the bright sunshine coming in through my office windows. Our building is located very close to a small Air National Guard base and they are having an air show tomorrow. So all morning I have heard the loud thunderous sounds or fighter jets taking off and landing and let me just tell you, I love every minute of it. It takes me back to when I was in the Air Force. I have always loved planes and being around them. I love the sometimes almost deafening sound when the speed overhead. I love the sheer power behind the engines and the technology involved in getting giant, heavy machines up in the air. Bottom line....they're just cool!

My mom will be moving shortly into a new senior building which is closer to Mike and I and a bunch of other relatives as well. I'm really excited about it since it is a brand new building and she will be the first person to ever live there. It's a really nice place, with walking trails and other activities as well. I know she misses being able to go out for walks and stuff. We should be getting a phone call this weekend letting us know exactly when she will be able to sign her new lease.

My sinus infection has finally run its course, although my right ear has been clogged shut for almost 10 days now with no sign of letting up. It's not painful, it's just annoying to have this constant ringing, along with hearing myself talk, breathe, eat, etc.

Rocky turned 11 months old this week. Almost a full grown little boy. He's up over 65 pounds now and is pretty much finished growing as far as height. He will be filling out for the next 6 or 7 months though and get thicker and more muscular. He's been needing some remedial training lately, but that goes with the territory. He really has turned out to be a beautiful dog, I need to post an updated picture one of these days.

Speaking of dogs, I have posted a link to the AABR on here. That is the Adopt a Boxer Rescue that Mike and I will be helping out with. Some of the stories are sad but it's great that new homes will be found for these dogs and they will not be put to sleep. Make sure you check out the site.

People Suck

2006-10-11T16:07:00.000-04:00

I was checking on the website of the Boxer Rescue group that Mike and I want to volunteer with and read the worst story.

Apparently, a boxer was picked up that had been used as pitbull bait in a dog fighting ring. He's only 6 months old and in need of some serious medical care. He looks adorable and is apparently a happy little guy regardless of what he has gone through.

I just don't get people, how could someone be that incredibly heartless? No wonder I like dogs more than people sometimes.

I will be putting up a link to the Rescue at some point so everyone can check out these great dogs.

Finally Feeling Better

2006-10-02T16:36:00.000-04:00

I am finally starting to feel like a human being again, both mentally and physically.

We spent the majority of the weekend just laying low. For example on Friday I came home from work, put on sweats, grabbed a blanket and pillow and hit the couch and stayed there until it was time to go to bed. When I woke up on Saturday morning, I felt like the antibiotics were finally starting to kick in. We unfortunately had to mow the lawn thanks to all the rain we've had, but oh well.

Our neighbors had the same idea and we needed to get it done before the rain started that we were supposed to get all day. Wouldn't you know that it sprinkled for about 10 minutes and that was it. It must be nice to have a job where you are continually wrong but yet you still get paid. I need to look into that.

On Saturday afternoon we went out to this big pet store near us that was having a "Fall Festival". They were having a bunch of vendors and food and we thought it would be fun to take Rocky there to meet some other dogs. Plus there was a local Boxer Rescue Group there and we wanted to meet them and get some more information about possibly helping out.

When we got there, we found them immediately as they were right up front. Rocky was out of his mind with excitement. There were two full grown boxers that were huge and then one young white one who turned out to be deaf. He was CRAZY!! Jumping around from dog to dog, his little nub was going a mile a minute. It was so funny to see. All of the people that were there thought he was great and they complimented us on his markings and size. That was great to hear from other boxer people.

Anyway, we spent some time talking to the woman that was running the table and it turns out that they would love to have us help out, even if it would just be for events like that one. We also mentioned that once Rocky is a little older, that would be willing to take in a foster dog if they needed us too. We met one rescue dog that was there that needed to be adopted and she was adorable. She had been rescued from a puppy mill which are very common in our area. She was a breeding mom and had pretty much been used up so they were just going to take her out back of the farm and shoot her. Thankfully she was rescued and is now safe. It's stories like that that break my heart and I hope we can help out in any way possible.

Just spending those couple of hours with the rescue group started to bring me out of my funk and it was great to feel like I could make a difference in something. I am waiting to hear back from them to find out what we can help with.

We spent the rest of Saturday with Mark. We hadn't seen him in a few weeks so we had a great time as usual catching up.

Sunday was supposed to be a rainy day again, but shocker...it wasn't! So I had a bunch of errands I needed to get done and then Mike and I went out to dinner with just us. Always a good thing.

So thanks to everybody for putting up with the no posting or the gloomy posting and I think I feel like things are turning around.

Who Did I Piss Off?

2006-09-29T09:14:00.000-04:00

OK so on top of still being in this odd funk, I now have a pretty bad sinus infection. Which means now I physically feel like crap.

I took the day off yesterday to go to the doctor's and get real drugs. And I finally slept last night for the first time in a couple days.

I came back into work today and after being here for only on hour, my boss comes at me about something that I know nothing about and as far as I knew wasn't even in my job description.

Yeah...I need to go home already.

In a Funk

2006-09-25T11:02:00.000-04:00

Ever since I came back from vacation, I've been in some sort of weird funk. I think it may be the change of season in addition to an early mid life crisis. I just have not felt like myself and it's really starting to get on my nerves. The fact that I have been getting frustrated with my own mood has actually made it worse in a sense so I feel like I'm caught in a vicious circle.

I resolved this weekend to do everything in my power to get myself out of it. I figure if I just work on it one day at a time, I'll be good in no time. I think I need to get a routine going again with everything including blogging. Working on that has actually helped a little.

Mike and I are doing well. Rocky is growing every day it seems like, and we are getting ready to move my Mom into a newer place that will be a lot closer to us. With everything going well, it makes this mood even more frustrating to be in.

So that's where I am and that's why I haven't been keeping up with the blog.

Fall Catch up

2006-09-13T21:27:00.000-04:00

OK so I have been sorely lacking in blog entries. I have been really busy lately with catching up from vacation and just trying to get things back in order.

The rest of our vacation was great. Rocky was a little less than impressed with the beach, he really could have cared less. Oh well, what are ya gonna do? I think he was just happy to be with us and the sand and waves were just not that important to him.

We all got a long pretty well for the most part, at least nothing worth bringing up here anyway. I was amazed however at how hard it was to go out and party and drink every night after doing stuff all day. Have I really gotten that old? It was just sad. The one night we went out to the Double L which is Rehoboth's attempt at a "leather" bar. It is fun actually and I shouldn't give it a hard time. Anyway, we all got there and had a few drinks, stood around and talk for a couple hours then went out on the back patio. I just remember thinking, "Can we just go home?" and that was followed by, "I could be doing this back at the house for free." I AM old.

Gregg and Blair's friend Rich came up from Florida on Wednesday and we had a great time with him as well. He came up to spend the weekend with them as they were going on to the NJ shore after our week. He had to come early because or tropical storm Ernesto.

The storm actually caught up with us on Friday. All hell broke loose. We had 60 mph winds all day and horizontal rain. Mike dropped us off at one of my favorite bars in town for Happy Hour on Friday. We just sat there and drank while we watched the storm rage on outside. By the time he came to pick us up for dinner it had actually gotten worse. Umbrellas were useless because of the incredible wind. It was nuts.

We lost power at the house after we got back from dinner, and we spent some time looking for flashlights. I took Rocky out to pee and his little ears were blowing straight back in the wind. That was too funny! I noticed the lights in town were still on so I said we should still go out to the bar for our last night.

After we were there for about an hour, we lost power there as well, but since the whole town was out at that point, they decided to stay open and keep serving. IT actually turned out to be a blast.

We got home to a dark house and went to bed.

I think the power came back on a couple hours later.

When we got up the next morning, there were trees and branches everywhere. Trees that came up with the root system and everything, it was amazing. Our house lost quite a few roof tiles but it could have been worse.

We basically spent the morning packing up and driving home. A pretty uneventful trip home and I know Mike and I were exhausted when we got to our house. I love vacation but I also love sleeping in my own bed.

I am back, and will catch everyone up on what's been going on, I promise.

Beach Day

2006-08-28T07:17:00.000-04:00

We went to the beach yesterday. The waves were really rough, but we all went in anyway to get the crap beat out of us. Was such a good time. It's funny how being the water like that suddenly turns you into a kid again. We had a blast riding the waves and jumpin around like maniacs.

We ran into an friend that we hadn't seen in awhile. Eric moved to lower Delaware a few months ago with his new partner. We ended up sitting with them on the beach all day. Mike and I unfortunately didn't know him too well from when he lived up by us because of his relationship situation but it's amazing when certain people get out of the way, you see a whole different side to things. We all had a blast just talking and catching up. They are coming back to Rehoboth later in the week to have dinner with us.

So after the beach we all came back to the house to shower and hang out, which for me meant NAPTIME! Mike and I slept for about a half hour then got up to start thinking about dinner.

We ended up at Grotto's pizza on the Avenue. If you are a pizza fan, you would love Grotto's. It is mandatory to eat there whenever we are here. Two pizzas, one with everything and a cheese steak pizza. Yeah, we're not going to worry about eating healthy while we're here.

We came back to the house, watched Big Brother and then just hang out for the rest of the night.

The weather back at home looks like it's been nasty, but it's not bad here. Of course as I say that, it's raining outside, but it's not supposed to do that all day.

Rocky hasn't has his first beach day yet. We are hoping to do that today or tomorrow.

At the Beach!

2006-08-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

We're finally on vacation. We got here yesterday afternoon. It's a cool house although kind of oddly shaped. I have never seen a house with so much closet space actually.

After unpacking and having a few drinks, we headed out to Rehoboth Avenue to see who is in town, had to find a place to eat. We ended up at Arena's for the best nachos and sandwiches ever! They also have a HUGE beer menu...NICE!

Gregg and Blair ran into a few people that they knew from home. We saw a lot of familiar faces as well. We stopped into the Blue Moon for a drink. It's not really my kind of crowd, but still had a good time. Especially arguing with Mark over whether it was smaller than it used to be. UMMMM it's the same size.

Anyway, one of Gregg's friends was playing in a band at the bandshell in town so we went up there to listen to them for a little bit.

Then back home, to rest up and a few more drinks before heading out to the bar.

Our usual bar hangout in Rehoboth is the Double L which is their answer to a "leather bar". Not much to report from there other than running into a couple guys that we haven't seen in awhile. Unfortunately, we're not as close to them as we used to be so it really just ended up being a quick hello.

Then home and in bed by 2am.

Rocky is having a blast by the way. He thinks the whole thing is one HUGE adventure.

OK, well off to the beach.

Weekend Bullet Points

2006-08-22T06:18:00.000-04:00

First of all this is the look I get when Rocky thinks it's taken far too long to get to where he needs to be. This was on the way to Mark's on Saturday.

Quick weekend update -

Mike and I had a night out on our own on Friday. Was awesome!

Saturday was a last minute pool party at Mark's. Ended with drama, but that's for others to post about not me.

Sunday was Dina's big 30th birthday! Welcome to the club!

Last but not least - 4 more days till vacation!!!!

Morning Attitude

2006-08-17T08:44:00.000-04:00

This is the look I get in the morning, when I tell Rocky it's time to get up and go outside.

"Please Dad, 5 more minutes?"

My Little Buddy

2006-08-15T21:35:00.000-04:00

This is the boy who just turned 9 months old last weekend. He has been a wonderful addition to our family. I know if Brutus were still here, he would approve.

I love seeing his wiggly little nub when I come home from work. We are trying to teach him not to jump up on us, so we've found that ignoring him until he calms down seems to work the best. It is so funny to see him finally sit down to get some attention.

I was running a little late this afternoon coming home from work so Mike gave him his dinner instead of me. He was a little more involved in his bowl of food than coming to see me. Then after I changed clothes and was looking through my mail, it was almost like he suddenly thought, "OOPS, I didn't say hi to Dad." He came running over to me and sat down right in front of me. So I bent over and kissed him and tussled his ears and got a nice kiss in return. Then he got up and trotted back over to his bowl. It was very cute.

The times he gets yelled at are not because he's destructive but mostly because he gets a little too rambuncious.

Rocky definitely is a puppy that totally enjoys life and just loves being him.

Monday with No Energy

2006-08-14T11:06:00.000-04:00

Another summer weekend come and gone.

We went out to dinner on Friday night with Dina and Mark. Went to McKenzie's which is a great brewpub near us, not as good as Victory but close.

Saturday was extremely busy. We got up did A LOT of yardwork that we needed to catch up on, then met Mark and Tim to go up to Musikfest in Bethlehem, PA. I highly recommend going up to the festival if you can make it. It starts on the first Saturday of August and runs through the second Sunday. They have bands all over town, food and beer tents set up, it's a lot of fun. We went up last Friday to see Trace Adkins (which was awesome) and then went up this past weekend just to hang out at the smaller free venues.

We got up there about 5:30 or 6, and hung out till after 10:30. We drank A LOT and ate A LOT. The weather was perfect and so was the company. The four of us just really had a great time.

Mike and I got up Sunday morning and went out in the hot tub for a little bit just to relax. While we were out there, I mentioned that my Mom had sounded a little down during the week. Mike suggested that we drive out to see her and after thinking about it for a little bit, we decided to go.

We got kind of a late start but finally got there at about 4:30. I'm glad we decided to go since my Mom seemed really happy we were there. I think she just gets bored on the weekends and then gets down on herself, etc. I stop by a few times during the week since he apartment is close to my office but I usually only have about 15 - 20 minutes to be with her. Mike hadn't had a chance to see her since May so he was glad to be stopping by too.

We took her out shopping and bought her a few things that she picked out. She didn't expect to get anything but when I saw her looking at a couple shirts then putting them down after she looked at the price, I couldn't not get them for her. I feel bad sometimes that she doesn't have the money for a lot of things so I try to help as much as I can. Mike does too. So after a couple shirts, a jacket and a pair of pants she had a big smile and kept thanking up for buying the stuff for her. I know how sometimes when you're feeling crappy that a couple new things can make a world of difference.

Then we went out to dinner at Bertucci's and just spent some time talking and having a good time.

We spent more time than we had originally intended but we didn't mind. I think Mom really needed it.

We got home after Big Brother but we'll watch that online tonight.

I really feel good about myself today that we went and spent time with her. I'm tired because we were out late and I spent money that I didn't intend to, but I wouldn't change it.

Weekend update

2006-07-31T12:47:00.000-04:00

Had a great weekend!

Friday night we went to Champps for dinner with Mark. Was really a nice time. Mark has become our best friend and it's always nice for just the three of us to have time to hang out together.

Saturday was AFRICA HOT. We had to mow the lawn and since we've had so much rain and humidity, it felt like we were trying to mow a field. By the time we were done, I was drenched in sweat. There were parts of my body that should not have been as moist as they were. I felt like the boys were hangin somewhere down around my knees. I'm serious, I think I tripped over them at one point.

Then Saturday night we had a housewarming party to go to in New Jersey. So the five of us, Mike, me, Mark, Gregg, and Blair piled into the car and off we went. When our group is going somewhere new, there is always the potential for some arguments. I made sure I had Mapquest, just in case.

Well Mapquest doesn't handle the no left turns issue in NJ very well, so we ended up going the wrong on the right road. We saw some beautiful houses and actually considered taking our traveling party to one of those instead but figured that might be rude.

After turning around, and apologizing to Mark, who though we should have gone the other way to begin with (see I can admit it), we finally found Lionel and Brian's house.

It turned out to be a great party. The attendees were mostly people that we knew anyway and everyone seemed to be having a great time. Blair and Mark actually had a better time than most. You see, they didn;t realize that the Tequila "mix" that they were adding Tequila to...already had the Tequila in it. The funny part was that even after finding out, it didn't stop them from doing it. Needless to say, they were felling pretty good.

We left there about 10 and headed home. Thanks to Lionel and Brian for being great hosts and for having some awesome Puerto Rican food. (Even though I wasn't real happy about it the next morning)

On Sunday, we headed back to Mark's for some seriously needed pool time. It has been so damn hot here along with the rest of the country that the pool water wasn't all that cool, but we still had a good time.

Burgers on the grill have to be one of my favorites foods. I think I could eat that every day and be fine with it.

Our little group will be going on vacation in a few weeks together and I'm really looking forward to it. It will be the first time we have spent more then a weekend together but I'm sure it will be a blast.

I'll just make sure to bring extra Tequila for Mark and Blair.

I'm looking forward to this week at work, have a lot going on so it will go fast, my boss is on vacation and we will be seeing Trace Adkins on Friday! Very psyched about that!

At Least it's a Dry Heat

2006-07-27T15:13:00.000-04:00

I finally heard from my brother this morning. He is one that left for the Middle East last week. It turns out he's not in Baghdad but in Kuwait, so that's a good thing. He was off work today so he had time to IM me and caught me on line at about 6am. His only issue when he's not working is he gets really bored since they aren't allowed to leave the base under any circumstances.

He said that it was 118 degrees today and yes he did make the comment that is the title of this post, "At least it's a dry heat."

He seems to be doing well other than missing his kids and the funny thing is since he's going through a really hateful divorce right now, he said he's actually more relaxed over there. Now what does that say about his soon to be ex-wife? I guess she's more stressful than the possibility of being hit by a terrorist bomber.

I love talking to my brother and I'm so glad that over the years he's gotten used to me being gay and actually grown accepting of it. He was here two weekends ago and he hugs Mike when he seems him and says good bye now.

I still have some issues with him when it comes to my Dad and his Dad, but that's something that will always be there and I don't think it's something that needs to cause a rift.

He had a hard time when I first came out to him but I know we've come a long way when he said goodbye this morning and then told me that he loved me.

This Picture Makes Me Feel Kinda Funny

2006-07-26T12:48:00.000-04:00

This man is HOT! AND he's 6'6" and 250 pounds...NICE!

Damn his voice is sexy as hell too.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled day.

Wrapped Around His Little Paw

2006-07-26T10:45:00.000-04:00

I mentioned yesterday that Rocky is going through a rough adolescent phase and last night he found a new way to annoy me.

For those of you who don't know, Boxers are a very energetic breed of dog and they are also very solidly built. In addition to being energetic they can jump pretty high, and by jumping I mean from a dead standstill. Rocky can jump at least torso high on me and he's only 8 1/2 months old. I haven't weighed him recently but I would imagine he's probably 55 to 60 pounds at this point, and not an ounce of fat on him anywhere.

We have a fenced in backyard and every evening after dinner, I try to take him to play catch or wrestle with him or whatever he needs to get rid of a days worth of pent up energy. Sometimes he literally just runs around in these amazingly fast and wide circles in the yard. His little butt gets real low to the ground and he just tears around, it's really funny to see.

So anyway, last night I decide to take him out to play. I grabbed his tennis ball and brought him out for a game of catch. Actually it's more like fetch and bring back, he's not really good at catching it.

I'm trying to teach him about restraint when he's really excited so I make him sit and I won't throw the ball until he does. I throw it the first time and comes running back at full speed and spits the ball out at me and jumps up at me. So I grab his collar, make him sit and say, "NO!" as loud as I can.

No problems so far. He sits again and gets the ball a few more times the correct way. One of the things I forgot to mention is when he's running back with the ball in his mouth, he is barking... with the ball still in his mouth. Pretty funny stuff.

On the fourth throw he's running back at me at breakneck speed and about 2 feet away from me he jumps and turns his body sideways and body checks me like you wouldn't believe. It would have made any hockey player proud. I actually stumbled back he hit me so hard. I'm a big guy too, I'm over 6 feet and over 200 pounds. Then he just sits there with a look on his face that says, "what?"

Needless to say I yelled at him again and walked away from him; using the training technique that anytime he does something wrong like that where he hurts me, then the play stops. I read that little puppies do that with each other in play so they learn boundaries. Well he just thinks, "OK, time to go in." and I don't think he gets it.

I get so mad at him when this stuff happens and I yell at him and then ignore him for a good hour or so. Then as I'm laying on the ouch watching TV, he walks up next to me, climbs up on me, and lays down with his head on my chest. He just looks at me with his little nub slowly wagging and lets out a big giant Boxer sigh. "Sorry Dad, I got a little carried away. Don't be mad."

How can you stay angry at that? It's impossible

"I'm Addicted to Ya Baby!"

2006-07-25T16:32:00.000-04:00

I think the first time I asked someone out on a date was probably one of the most awkward moments in my life.

There was this girl in high school named Becky. I met her in the tenth grade in Mr. Jensen’s Health class. She sat near me along with another friend of hers, Tammy, who actually deserves her own stories and maybe someday she’ll get an entry.

To be honest, I don’t know why I asked her out. I did realize that I was gay at that point but I guess I felt like it was something that you were supposed to do. I did really like her and I thought she was really funny.

We only knew each other from that one class, we had NOTHING else in common at all. She was even a grade behind me so there wasn’t much of a chance of us interacting on any level.

First of all, let me paint a picture of yours truly in 1984. I was a very awkward 15 year old. I was six feet tall and maybe 160 pounds so I was pretty thin. I had shoulder length dirty blonde hair, parted in the middle and feathered back of course and…..wait for it….. a TAIL!!! Yes I had a tail, it was bleached no less. Pretty huh? I was a prep back then as far as the way I dressed so nothing really frightening to report there. I was just basically a non descript, skinny, awkward kid. I was also pretty quiet as well since I was new to the school and hardly knew anyone.

The fall ritual of Homecoming Dance was coming up and I decided that I needed to ask someone out to go to my first school dance. And that person was Becky.

She was kinda cute like I said, she was also pretty much a prep as well. Think IZOD sweaters, turned up collars and penny loafers.

I remember walking out of Health class one afternoon and stopping Becky in the hallway.

“Hey, I know we hardly talk that much and we only have this one class together and we barely know each other, but I was thinking that maybe we could, you know, possibly go, you know…..”

“Yes …go where?”

“UMMMM you know, to the UMMMMM Homecoming Dance?”

“WOW, that could be fun, but is it OK if I think about it and get back to you?” (which by the way meant, “can I wait to see if the person I really want to go out with asks me first?”)

“Sure, UMMM that’s fine. Let me know.”

And we went our separate ways.

What I found out much later was that she went running to her friend Tammy and said “Guess what just happened? I just got asked out to the Homecoming Dance and I don’t even know the fucker’s name!” (That is a quote by the way…she wrote about it in my senior yearbook)

Yeah, great huh? She didn’t even know my name and I asked her out. I guess thinking back on it, it either was pure stupidity or I had HUGE balls. I am leaning towards the stupid part.

She did end up saying yes because the upper classman she really wanted to ask her out didn’t and we went to the 1984 Homecoming Dance who’s theme was “Hard Habit to Break” by Chicago.

After the dance, the guy who she originally wanted to go out with finally asked her out and they dated for the remainder of that school year and Becky and I became good friends. That summer we started dating seriously and that lasted until about a month after I graduated.

By the way, I knew I was gay all through school, but I also figured that dating her would save me the trouble of having to face it.

As a footnote, she did end up being kind of a wackjob who to this day still has my class ring.

Just Catchin Up

2006-07-25T12:52:00.000-04:00

Contrary to popular belief, I have not fallen of the face of the Earth.

It seems like every time I sit down to write something, I get a phone call or email or something else that needs to be attended to. Since moving to our new offices at work and being promoted, I suddenly have to relearn time management and when I get home, I really don’t feel like doing anything but relaxing with Mike and Rocky.

Life is really good this summer. Work, like I just said is going well. Very busy, but that’s a good thing. The social life is good. Mike and I have been spending a lot of time with Mark and Joe, and Gregg and Blair. We haven’t been getting as much pool time in as of late, but we’ve just had so many other things going on. The one nice thing that has been happening lately is that we have been getting to know Mark’s daughter Stef and her boyfriend Rob a lot better. They have been around the past few weeks and it has been a blast to hang with them at dinner, the pool, etc.

My family has been my family. Nothing really new to report there. My mom is doing well and we have been making sure to check in with her quite a bit. My oldest brother is still around as far as I know. No one has heard from or seen him in months. Including my mom and his oldest daughter. My relationship with my sister is getting back on track after a stupid fight that we had a few years ago and my other brother is currently serving in the Middle East. He left last week, I still haven’t heard from him but that’s not unusual.

Mike and I have been having a really good time together the past few months. I am finally making more money at work and I feel like a partner is everything including finances for once. It really never mattered to him, but it always bothered me. We have been working with our “trouble child”, Rocky. He just recently turned 8 months old and is already bigger than Brutus ever was. He has really turned out to be a beautiful boxer ( I need to get a pic of him up here). He has also turned out to be a handful. He is basically a good dog and he’s not mean in the least, he just thinks he’s still the 9 pound puppy we brought home. In one development with him, he has found a girlfriend in Mark’s daughter’s dog Bailey. Which is funny because neither of them can do anything about it.

We are all, meaning Mike, me, Mark, Joe, Gregg and Blair, getting ready to go on vacation at the end of August together which should be a blast. We’re all looking forward to it.

So I guess I just wanted to check in with everyone and let them know I’m still here. A little frazzled with work and just being busy, but still here none the less.

I know I have mentioned this time and time again, but I do have an ever growing list of stories that I want to post on here and I promise to get on it.

Thoughts of My Father

2006-06-28T13:30:00.000-04:00

I was asked a few weeks ago if I wanted to be added to a group of people whose blogs were included on a website for people who had grown up as the children of gay parents. After I checked out the website I agreed to be listed. I remember thinking it was kind of odd that I had never really considered myself the son of a gay parent. My father was never out to any of us officially and he was only in a relationship with another man after he left my Mom and I had basically cut him out of my life. SO I guess it never really occurred to me to think of myself in this way.

Thinking back on life with my Dad, I guess I did have all of that going on in the background the whole time. I suspected my father was gay for a variety of reasons some of which will most likely stay with me and off of this blog indefinitely. Some of the other less personal signs of his sexual preferences still pop up in my mind from time to time. Usually followed by an “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that before.”

My father had quite a few issues in addition to being closeted or a “Brokeback Father” as I just recently heard as a new phrase. He was a recovering alcoholic as well. He has stopped drinking long before I was born but the addictive personality was definitely still there. There are some foggy events in my father’s life that I’m not too sure about. For example, I know he was in a bad car accident while in the Air Force and I think I remember being told at one point by someone that it had either something to do with his drinking or was an actual suicide attempt.

When my Mom and Dad would fight, there were rarely screaming matches; it was mostly just the two of them not talking to each other. I was always the go between, “Tell your Mom this” or “Tell your Father that.” I do remember towards the end of their relationship, there was a fight big enough for him to go out drinking again, any my brother actually went down to the corner bar to find him. To be honest I don’t think this was the first time he did that, I think it must have happened a few times, it was just swept under the rug.

Michael has asked me a few times what my father was like and there isn’t much to tell. He was pretty quiet and actually kind of a geek I guess. He was never into sports at all, not even as a spectator. He was never much for doing anything outside, he used to get sun poisoning really bad so he didn’t like to be out for very long. My Dad was never a snappy dresser either. He was always very “old mannish” in the clothes he wore. His pants were always too short and he never, ever wore jeans or shorts.

As far as a dad, he wasn’t all that bad. There are some that would argue that point, but I have moved past some of things that he did which were pretty horrible. I choose to focus on the good stuff and the fact that I truly believe that my Dad was a victim of his own life choices and upbringing.

He mostly worked shift work when he worked so I didn’t really see him awake that much. He tried to stay involved in my life though and I know he cared for and loved me. He took me to music and horseback riding lessons growing up and really tried to nurture that part of me. We went to the movies a few times and he would always show up at school things when I had them going on. I really think he tried his best when he could. Although when he screwed things up, he did a good job at it.

He left when I was in tenth grade so I think I must have been 14 or 15 at the time. One Saturday morning he told me that he was going out to the store and he never came back. My Mom and my sister, who lived with us at the time, were out and now when I think back on it I think they knew it was coming. They seemed to be kind of nonchalant about the whole thing. You would think if someone left and didn’t come back that they would be worried about their welfare, but they didn’t seem to be.

My uncle found our car, which my Dad had taken with him, in Newark, DE at a local diner. That was about 45 minutes from where we lived at the time. I was devastated at the time. Like I said before, my father did some pretty despicable things, but bottom line was that he was still my Dad and I missed him and wanted him back.

I went to live with my brother for a little bit at that point and during the weekdays, I would go to my other brother’s apartment to watch his kids for him while he and his wife were at work. One day my sister-in-law came home and said that my Dad was outside their apartment building walking around. I was in a panic because I didn’t know what I would say or do. My brother came home from work and after dinner while I was waiting for my other brother to come pick me up there was a knock at the door. I assumed it was my brother so I opened the door right up only to come face to face with my Dad.

I walked away from the door and he walked in and my brother told him immediately to leave and that he wasn’t welcome there at all. Which he did.

I was pretty shaken up by the whole thing and part of me wanted to run out to him and tell him to come home but I didn’t. I just went on as though it didn’t happen.

Life actually went on to be honest.

Towards the end of my senior year in high school, I got a phone call from my brother. My Dad had contacted him since he was the only one who still lived at the same address, and wanted to get in touch with me. My Mom and my brother wanted to know what to tell him. Should they give him our number and allow him to call me? I had no clue what to do. Here I was graduating from school and getting ready to go into basic training, I was having the time of my life and then suddenly I was thrown back into this mess.

After talking to my Mom and brother and thinking about it, I told them, “No, I didn’t want to speak to him.”

Little did I know that was the last time I would have to the chance to speak to my father before he was on his death bed.

Two years later while I was stationed in New Hampshire in the Air Force, I got a call from my Mom telling me that my Dad had a stroke and was going to die; in fact he was actually already brain dead. She wanted to know if I wanted to come home. I immediately said yes. It turns out that when he had the stroke, his partner at the time tracked down my Mom because he thought she should know. I flew home the next day and he passed away two days later, about 15 minutes after he was taken off of life support.

I sat with him for hours in those two days, talking to him. Even though he was basically already gone and could not respond in the slightest way, I still did it. I wanted him to know that I had forgiven him for everything that had happened growing up. I wanted him to know that I still loved him and that I would miss him. I am so glad that I at least got that chance to let things go.

I thought about my Dad a lot this past Father’s Day. It’s been 15 years since he died and I still miss him in some ways. I miss not having a father mostly. I’d like to think that he is proud of the way I turned out. I would like to think that if was still alive, that Michael and I would be close to him and his partner.

It’s really a shame that gay people of my father’s generation couldn’t be who they were created to be and because of that, it has really affected an entirely new generation. I hope that someday down the road, that saying “My Dad or Mom is gay” will be like saying they have blonde hair or are German.

I guess in the long run I am the child of a gay parent, like I started this post out with. But unlike most children of gay parents, I didn’t get to really experience what it would have been like. Instead, I had a father who was most likely very bitter and confused, and probably deep down, very sad. I hope the final few years of his life he was at least happy living the life he was meant to.

I know I’ve been trying to do that for him in my life.

It's Monday ... BLECH

2006-06-26T13:39:00.000-04:00

I really hate the last week of the month. When you're in sales it's the most stressful time. It's a week of, "Are you going to close this?" "What's the deal on this one?" "Why do you suck SO much?"

Then next week...it's all back to square one again and I'm the best sales manager ever.

We had kind of a low key weekend, even though it was supposed to be a "weekend of fun" as declared by my buddy Gregg. He even called first thing on Saturday morning, actually make that 5 o'clock on Friday night to find out when the "fun" was going to commence. Aside from all of the rain, it really wasn't that bad, but I really can't classify it as the wacky, madcap weekend that it was built up to be.

Mike and I were total slugs on Sunday. Nothing happened other than Chinese food on Sunday night.

Backing up to Friday a little bit, I was suddenly hit with memories of Brutus on the way home for some reason. So much so, that I was actually in tears at one point. It’s really odd how much that little guy meant to us and how big of a part of our lives he was for the short time he was with us. I know that his death changed my personality and my attitude towards life. I’ve realized how much my friends mean to me and how much we can’t take life for granted. On the other hand, it has also lowered my tolerance level for stupid crap that goes on as well, life is simply too short.

To some people who aren’t dog lovers, I guess all of this seems overly dramatic; but to those of you who have let these guys into your hearts, you will totally understand. I was thinking about how much trust they put in you and how much they rely on you for their care. Brutus had such a gentle heart and personality and you could tell sometimes just by looking at his cute white face that he was just happy to be with you.

When our lab Hunter passed away from old age, Mike and I just laid on the bed and cried and Brutus jumped up to lay down between the two of us. He didn’t jump and squirm around, he just laid there. It’s like he knew to be quiet and just let me squeeze him. Brutus always kind of knew that Hunter was the dog in charge, but the day she passed away, he stepped up and suddenly became even more protective of the two of us and the house.

Our friend Mark, lost his lab actually the day after Hunter and the funny thing is Brutus did the same at his house. Before Jordy died, he would let her take care of things, but that day he started to bark when someone pulled up and would get a little more protective of his second home.

He was such a great friend to all of us, but especially to Michael and me. He went everywhere with us for the most part and was such a fixture in our lives for two and half years.

When he first got sick, right around Christmas, he was just as upset about it as we were. He never threw up in the house and even if he felt like he was going to get sick at 3am, he would come to my side of the bed to wake me up to let him out. I sometimes feel like I should have known ahead of time that he was a sick as he was and maybe we could have done more. When he would come back to bed after one of these episodes, he would lay down so gingerly, like he was in pain and just uncomfortable. He looked so apologetic when he would do this too.

Getting that first phone call from the vet telling me how sick he truly was was just a horrible experience. I was immediately in a panic. When I got him ready to go and Mike knelt down on the floor to give him a big hug, I just wanted to cry right then.

Leaving him with the doctor was so hard, because I wanted to be the one to make him better and to sit with him while he recuperated. I went back every day to see him; luckily I was off that week from work. Everyday they would put him on a blanket in one of the exam rooms and when I would walk in, his little head would lift up and his nub would start to wag. The first day, he was feeling well enough for me to actually take him outside and when I did, he immediately went for the car because I could tell he wanted to go home. Seeing his look of confusion when I took him back in the building was so hard for me.

The second day, he didn’t lift his head at all and his nub barely moved but he still tried. I just sat on the floor with him and held him. I wanted to make every moment last an eternity. I also wanted him to know how much I loved him and how sorry I was that this was happening. I know he understood on some level and I know he realized how sick he truly was. Sometimes I think I would still be on that floor with him now if it were possible to stretch time out.

On the morning of the day he died, the doctor called to tell me that his vital organs were failing and there wasn’t much more she could do. As soon as Michael came home we went down there. Mike stayed in the car because he just couldn’t handle seeing Brutus as sick as he was.

The doctor let me have as much time with him as I wanted so I just sat on the floor and stroked his head and told him how much I loved him. Again, I was just hoping for every second to become a year. I didn’t want time to keep moving. I sat with him for almost an hour on the floor until I felt like he let me know he needed to go.

I used to love to hold his head and kiss him right between the eyes, which is something I do now with Rocky, so I picked up his head and held it and looked right into his eyes and kissed him there one last time. I called the doctor and she sat on the floor with us while she administered the sedatives and the drugs that would send him on his way. I held his paw the entire time because even though the sedative put him to sleep, I wanted him to know I was there. Watching his chest rise and fall for the last time was the worst. When Hunter passed away, it was rough but at the same time she had lived a long life. When Brutus died I was so angry and still am on some level at the unfairness of it all. Even the doctor said it just wasn’t right that this should happen to so wonderful of a dog and to a couple who obviously tried to do everything right with their pets.

All of this is still with me obviously and is more painful than I thought. Clearly this is all still with Michael too as I saw him get choked up this weekend when his name came up. I still think it was incredibly unfair and I still get angry when I think about it. But mostly I just miss my little buddy.

I miss the fact he was cranky in the morning just like me and didn’t want to be bothered getting up. I miss the way he loved to go places with us and would sit in the back of the truck just looking out the window. I miss the way he would bury himself in the tall grass by Mark’s pool so you would just see his face. I miss the way he would run around the house looking for something to bring us when we walked in the door from work. I miss the way he would tap on the sliding glass door to come back in when he was done outside.

I say goodnight to him every night and I ask him to watch over Rocky and I know he hears me and does.

I will make no apologies for acting this way about a dog. Our dogs have always been more that just pets. They are companions and friends. Brutus was my best little buddy and I will always miss having him around.

Most of all, I miss the way he loved Michael and I.

Shipping Out Again

2006-06-21T14:11:00.000-04:00

I talked to my brother last night(the one I really get along with) and I was suddenly reminded that in 4 weeks, he will be in Baghdad.

He is in the Air National Guard and this will actually be his 3rd or 4th trip over to the Middle East but I am really worried about him this time around. As usual, he doesn't seem to be phased by it and is actually looking forward to it in some respects. I know my Mom is freaking out.

To some extent, I am too.

My brother and I have always been sort of "comrades in the midst of dysfunction" and that has made us extremely close to each other. Although he is 12 years older than me, he has never used that to be the big brother who knows everything. He has always been the kind of brother that if something goes wrong, he is right there to help out.

When I first came out, I know he wasn't happy but over the years has learned to deal it with the occasional stupid comment here and there. More importantly he respects my relationship with Michael and has always treated him as a brother-in-law. He and his wife even went so far as to name us the godparents of his youngest son, Ben.

He's coming down to PA to spend the weekend with Michael and I the week before he ships out and I'm really looking forward to spending time with him.

I love my big brother and I'm incredibly proud of everything that he does and I am looking forward to a quick and safe return.

Yes I am Still Here

2006-06-19T14:27:00.000-04:00

Well it's been a few weeks from hell here. Nothing horrible, just been super busy at work.

We moved into our new offices, I had to get a new admin assistant and train her, and then my boss went on vacation so I was in charge for a week.

Thankfully I shave my head or I would have been pulling my hair out. As some of you know my boss is famous for leaving things half done. Then when I ask her about them, she acts as though it is someone else's fault. It really is quite fascinating to watch actually.

I truly do like her as a person and I think she's a cool lady but sometimes, I want to bitch slap her.

ANYWAY...other than work, things have been fine. Mark's pool is in full swing so we have been there just about every weekend just being lazy with the gang. Most weekends have just been Gregg, Blair, Mark, Joe, Mike, Rocky and myself. It's been good practice for vacation when we all head off to the shore together.

Rocky is doing well. He just turned 7 months old and has hit the puppy version of his terrible twos. You can see the comprehension on his face but then the look of, "Nope, not gonna do it." Yesterday was especially trying. Mike and I try to explain to our friends that he truly is a sweet dog when it's just us.

So I guess the "drama-free" edict of the summer has basically held true so far. There are still rumblings from people from time to time who refuse to see that some things may actually be their fault. But until they look at themselves honestly, they will never see it. I have thought from time to time that I wanted to blog about it, but in the long run, it's really not worth it. I'm 36 and I just don't have the time for junior high school crap in my life. I am living by the thought that I only want friends that treat me with the same respect that I give them. I'm sure someone will read this; whether it is them or someone that knows them, and it will get back to them and they will "de-friend" me from their LiveJournal, but I'm really actually over it. We all know how everyone feels and it's a dead horse at this point. It's really a shame that we couldn't actually sit down face to face to talk about things instead of through the safety of email and an online journal. It's obvious that our friendship didn't mean as much as I thought it did and that's really sad.

There...done with that.

Now that things have calmed down, I will be back to posting a little more regularly.

Thanks to those of you that kept checking in once in awhile to see if I was here.

I'm back!

I'd Like Another Vacation, but I'd Really Like to Have the 80's

2006-05-30T21:17:00.000-04:00

First day back and we are still having phone, T1, and email issues at the new office. Nothing like a relaxing day back. We were so busy today that at one point, my assistant called from his cell to my cell phone to ask me how my vacation was.

Then of course it's hot as hell out today and I have to be back in a suit. By the way, I am fully aware that I'm being a baby about all of this so no need to tell me that.

I was so happy to come home to Mike and Rocky.

So over my vacation, I finally started putting all of the 80s songs I have downloaded onto CD. I was super anal about it and divided them all into categories, needless to say it took quite a while.

I was listening to the one I put together with all the sappy, depressing stuff and I was wondering if we all have this idyllic place in our brain that remembers nothing but the good stuff about high school.

It's really crazy but when I hear some of these songs, I think, "Good god, didn't anything bad EVER happen in high school? Wasn't it wonderful?" WHAT?!?!?!?!

Don't get me wrong, I didn't have the high school experience from hell, but it wasn't exactly a cake walk either.

Am I the only one that thinks this way?

Forever Young by Alphaville puts me into the biggest funk. Reminiscing about adolescence like crazy. Yeah, I'm a wackjob.

Vacation Ends With a Summer KickOff

2006-05-29T21:14:00.000-04:00

Well this is my last night of vacation. Tomorrow is back to the office and wearing a suit. OH WELL.

We had a good week, really didn't do much. We spent a lot of time around the house and doing local stuff. We went to dinner with friends a few times and just basically spent a week being lazy, which is a pretty fun thing to do.

Friday we hooked up with Mark and Joe so we could help Mark get set up for the first pool party of the season. Out friend Mark has a great house and pool that basically becomes party central for the summer. Mike and I always try to chip in as much as possible since Mark is nice enough to let up come over and use the pool pretty frequently. Mark is a great friend as well and we figure we are just doing are part. We spent an afternoon at Costco stocking up and then went out to dinner.

Saturday we were back at Mark's by noon to help set up. Mike is a great cook and usually helps with the food set up. I'm a great beer drinker so you can guess what I help with. Well I clean up too since I don't cook.

The party turned out great. The weather was perfect - very sunny and warm. The pool is still a little cold but we were all still in anyway.

The attendees were mostly the usual suspects that are always at Mark's in the summer. It was great to see some of the guys that we only see this time of year. It was pretty much drama free which falls into the edict of the summer.

Rocky was actually good. It was his first party and I think he did pretty well. Of course as I'm writing this, he is sound asleep from all of the activity of the weekend.

The party went pretty late, everyone seemed to have a good time. It was good to have the old gang back at the pool. I love this time of year and I'm really looking forward to some great parties.

We went back Sunday and today. The weather during the rest of the holiday was awesome so Mark said we needed to spend it by the pool. Sunday was mainly just the four of us and today Mark's sister and daughter were there. After dinner we headed home early since it's a "school night".

It turned out to be a great week and weekend.

It's time to get back to normal grind of work and the regular posting on this blog before I lose my 7 readers.

I do have an entire list of topics that I would like to write about so I guess it's time to get moving on that.

Daytime TV might not be so bad after all

2006-05-23T11:13:00.000-04:00

On the second day of vacation and I just found Galactica 1980 is on the Sci Fi Channel. NICE!!

Who doesn't love Kent McCord and Barry Van Dyke?

That show was one of the first hormone awakenings for me, along with Sam Neill in The Final Conflict. I was told I need to blog about that since it seems kind of dark that I would be attracted to the AntiChrist.

Guess I'll have to work on that.

Life Update

2006-05-17T05:47:00.000-04:00

OK so I haven't been good with updating recently, sorry about that.

Mike and I had a great anniversary week. It was kind of low key, but we got to spend a lot of time together with just the two of us which is rare and always a good thing. The past three Saturdays our friends have either been out of town or had some family function to attend so that has left us alone. Which again is rare but nice. I've really been enjoying spending time with Mike one on one. It's made me remember how much he truly is my best friend and how he can make me laugh more than anyone.

Anyway, Rocky turned six months old last week and to celebrate we had him neutered. NICE! You know most dogs take at least the afternoon off after an operation...not Rocky. If anything, he is more active and crazy than he was before. Maybe those things were slowin him down and now he can move faster.

We spent Mom's day with my Mom (DUH) and my niece and her family and Mark. Of course my loser brother who live less than 5 minutes from her, nowhere to be found. I'm really kind of over that whole thing, but you would think he would stop by to see his Mom. After we had lunch with her, my niece took her to her house for the week and we headed back to Mark's to hang out.

Mark's pool is open so he needed some help getting the pool yard set up for the first party which is coming up in two weeks. Rocky's only experience with the pool yard is a covered pool so this was his first time with it being open.

He walked right in.

Scared the crap out of himself and me for that matter. He went right under but swam back up and over to the side so I could pull him out. Poor little guy was a little freaked out but hopefully he won't be doing that again.

We are finally moving our office today, so I get to go to work in jeans instead of a suit...always a good thing. I am looking forward to getting out of the temp situation and being in a nice brand new office.

Mike and I are on vacation next week. It's going to be a "do stuff around the house" vacation but I'm still looking forward to it. It's hard to believe that Memorial Day is right around the corner.

So that's kind of a thumbnail sketch of what has been going on. I have a whole list of things written down that I want to write about, I just need to make time for it, so I'll try to be better about updating things here.

11 Years

2006-05-08T09:04:00.000-04:00

Today marks eleven years for Mike and I.

I'm not one to get all sappy about our relationship but I do want to say that I am very happy that we are together and I am a better person for having him in my life. We've never said that we have the perfect relationship, we've had our issues, that's for sure. Some of it hasn't been pretty, but we've always tried our best to make it work.

I have never believed that there is only one person for everyone, but I do believe that when you find someone, you have to make a conscious effort to be with and stay with that person and the reward is unbelievable.

I have a person in my life who knows me better than anyone else ever has and still manages to love me anyway. I have a person who is my best friend. I have a person who after eleven years still turns me on more than any other.

Everyday I look forward to getting home from work and begin with Mike and spending time with him. Even if it's just being lazy on the couch and watching TV. He's a great guy and he can always make me laugh when I need and he has taught me some valuable life lessons.

I hope that I have made him as happy and he has made me.

Frustrated and Introspective

2006-05-03T16:12:00.000-04:00

I have had a lot of drama with family and friends since last summer and I am really, really tired of it.

The friend drama started last summer I guess and came to a head in one instance in October. It still continues to some extent but I am not as involved in it as I once was; it has moved on to include others. The family drama blew up a few months ago as those of you who read this blog know. It is also still going on unfortunately, and probably always will be. The other friend drama is also still sort of there as well.

I've really been thinking about all of this going on and I've come to the conclusion that at the bottom of it all, it's all just really stupid. Actually I guess I shouldn't say stupid because to the other people involved, it's not and it apparently means a lot to them. My biggest thing has been and always will be, that if you have an issue, let's talk about it and work it out. I guess it's because if I thought I had an issue with someone that would be "friendship threatening" nothing would stop me from trying to get it resolved. It's more important to me to save the friendship.

I read a blog entry from one of my best buds and in it he said that he felt like he was a better friend to some of his friends than they were to him, and on some level I have to agree. I just want the respect back that I try my best to give out.

I'm not perfect believe me and I've said some pretty dumbass things without thinking. I have gone back to people and apologized for plenty of things and worked my best at patching them up. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

I don't know why this has all hit me so much in the past few weeks. Maybe it's because some of the drama has continued and some of it has moved on to affect other people. It has taught me a lot of things. It has taught me that I do have good friends that I can count on and lean on regularly. It has taught me that sometimes no matter what you do, friendships grow apart and it sucks. And has really taught me the value of just saying, "I'm sorry." with no further explanation needed.

Hold on to the friends that you have, always be willing to make a new one, and when the time unfortunately sometimes comes, just say good bye and thanks for being a part of my life for the time that you were here.