My Life as Brutus' Dad

Brutus left us this afternoon at about 12:30.

He was so sick and was just getting worse literally by the hour. I went to see him at noon and he had already gotten worse than when the doctor called me at 9 this morning.

Mike and I had already discussed it and we had decided that if he was worse, just to let him go. He was so sick when I saw him. He couldn't even stand up, but I did get a couple nub wags out of him when he saw me.

I spent about a half hour with him, petting him, holding his head, and especially kissing the spot between his eyes that I kissed all the time. I told him that Mike and I loved him and that we would miss him, but I understood that he would be better off. I could tell by looking in his eyes that he wanted to go too.

The Doctor came in and we sat on the floor with him, and stroked him and I told her how wonderful a friend he had been. She told me that he was one of the sweetest dogs she has known and that it just wasn't fair that this should happen. She also made me feel good about making this decision. His cardiovascular system had already started to shut down and he probably wouldn't have made it through the night.

She gave him the first injection to sedate him and we sat with him while he fell asleep. I stroked his little head and held on to his paw. Then she gave him the second injection to send him on his way. It didn't take long at all and our little buddy left us.

I will miss him terribly and right now I feel so empty. For those of you without dogs, it's hard to make you understand how much this hurts. I guess if he had been older it would have been fine, but for a little 2 year old, it just doesn't make sense.

We're going to have a hole in our lives without him here, but he left behind so many happy memories. He traveled with us everywhere, went to parties at Mark's. I'll always remember how handsome he looked at our tenth anniversary party in his little bow tie.

I love you so much Brutus and I'll always be your Dad.

I went to visit Brutus today. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't expect him to be even sicker than yesterday but he was. I did get a nub wag out of him which was great but he is still in critical condition and very lethargic and out of it. The vet let me spend some time with him one on one and so I held him like I do at home when we watch TV. He lifted his head and gave me a half hearted attempt at a lick. That broke my heart.

When the vet came in she said his numbers, meaning the toxin levels in his blood, were higher, which is the worst possible news at this point. She said he tested negative for Lyme Disease, but that he still was in serious trouble. She upped his fluids from the IV and is hoping that 24 hours with that will cause the toxin levels in his blood to drop. She is going to do another blood test in the morning and let me know how that looks.

I explained to her that I didn't want a lot of tests done to discover the cause of the infection but that I wanted them to focus on getting him better. I also told her that I don't want him in this condition if he is suffering. She agreed with me and said that if his numbers weren't down by tomorrow, that we needed to start thinking about the alternative.

I am just heart broken over this whole thing. Brutus is the best dog that Mike and I have ever had and he has the sweetest personality of any that I have ever met. At the same time, I can't bear to watch him go through this. I hope that things look better in the morning, I really do.

To make matters worse, when the vet stepped out of the room for a little bit, Brutus thought it was time to go home, so he stood up and started to go towards the door. I asked the assistant if I could take him outside for a few minutes since maybe he had to pee and she said sure that was fine. As soon as we walked outside, he started towards the car. Talk about rough.

We both love this little guy like crazy and we are hoping for the best.

I'll keep updating.

The vet called last night to let me know that Brutus had settled in fine. He was on an IV for fluids, he threw up two more times though, so he is on some medication to stop that from happening. They took an xray and they were inconclusive so this morning they will be doing an ultrasound on his kidneys. She also did some more blood work and a urine sample.

I love this little guy like crazy and I'm trying not to go to the worst case scenario in my head. I did tell her that cost was going to be an issue and I didn't want to go crazy with tests and I wanted to concentrate on treating him and getting as better as possible. She is going to do her best to keep costs down. We have been going to this vet for over 10 years so I trust them implicitly.

We've lost three dogs since Mike and I have been together, two to old age and one way to soon to cancer. I can't handle going through this again. Don't get me wrong, I'm keeping hope that he will be fine with treatment but I also have this in the back of my mind.

The house was strangely quiet when I woke up this morning and I hated every second of it. When we get up in the morning, Brutus wags his nub so hard that the whole back end of his body wiggles. Which explains one of his two nicknames...wigglebutt. (Buddy is the other one).

I'm going to see him around 12:30 and then meet with the vet as well. I'll post another update later.

So Brutus hasn't been feeling well and he's been throwing up and not eating since the weekend. I had him to the vet yesterday and she did some blood tests, gave me some medication to stop the vomiting and told me they would call with the results today.

He was still very lethargic and just not himself this morning although he did eat a few pieces of kibble which I thought was a good sign.

The vet called this afternoon and his bloodwork came back with a high level of toxins in his blood which means his kidney's are in renal failure and he has a kidney infection of some sort. She wanted him back to admit him immediately and they will put him on an IV and keep him at least overnight to see if there is an improvement.

The best case scenario is that he does just have a kidney infection and then it can be treated with antibiotics.

I took him back and luckily he loves everyone there and so there wasn't any weirdness when I had to let them take him back to be admitted. Although I always find myself thinking that it's like a little kid who suddenly realizes his parents aren't there and they panic.

He's a young dog (only 2 1/2) so the vet is hoping that this will be treated quickly.

Keep your fingers crossed.

I went to see the Chronicles of Narnia last night with Mark and Joe. I really, really liked it. The movie itself was pretty close to the book and it was great seeing the characters come to life. The special effects were pretty amazing as well.

That series of books has always been special to me so I was looking forward to seeing the movie. I first read them in third grade. I had one of those teachers that everyone talks about having changed their lives. Her name was Miss Thirtle and she was from England. Every afternoon she would read a book to us in class and it was never just the usual kids book, but it was something challenging like the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe or The Hobbit. She made those books magically come to life.

She would read a chapter or two a day and then we would talk about them. I can remember her doing the different voices and I was mesmerized by the stories of life in different worlds. Being a kid who longed for some sort of escape from the dysfunctional family life that I had, I just ate those stories up. I found a place I could go and be on my own.

I went on to read the remaining books in both stories multiple times and still find myself picking them up to this day to read them again. Miss Thirtle awakened the reading "bug" in me that thankfully has never gone away.

Watching the movie last night, I can literally still hear her voice teasing us for the next chapters - one of the comments that kept going through my head last night was "OK, now we've discovered the wardrobe and met the witch, now what about that lion?" Since she was from England, she used to spend a little more time explaining to us the different things in the book that were part of C.S. Lewis' English background, plus she had that cool accent!

I often wonder where Miss Thirtle is now and I wonder if she realizes what an impact she had on a third grade boy's life. She opened that wardrobe door into a fantastic world of books that has never and will never close.

Happy Holidays to all of you that read my attempt at a blog and to those of you who have stumbled upon it!

We had a great Christmas weekend here for the most part. Friday, I only had to work a half day and our boss took us out to an incredible lunch then gave us an unexpected bonus. Apparently this is the first year that she has ever done that. Then Friday night we had to go out and buy a birthday present for my niece, she turns 27 on the 28th. Then we stopped by Mark's to meet his friends from Florida. They were an absolute riot. Turns out Tim was there and then Gregg and Blair called and said they were stopping by, so it turned into an impromptu "party". We ended up going out to Bennigan's for dinner at about 9.

Saturday we were supposed to go visit a friend we hadn't seen in years in NJ, but she had called on Friday night and said she had to reschedule. That was kind of annoying, but also sort of expected. We ended up just hanging out at the house and doing nothing. When we realized we wouldn't be going anywhere on Saturday, we went out and bought a couple of nice steaks and some shrimp for the two of us. Mike opened up a bottle of wine and I had some great beer left over from my birthday so we ended up having an awesome night together.

One of the few things that "has" to be done on Christmas Eve is the Christmas lights have to be left on all night.. It's a left over tradition from my childhood. It was always cool waking up on Christmas morning, coming downstairs and having the tree all lit up. Well this year we have two trees in the living room, so it was little bright...but oh well.

On Christmas morning, we woke up and exchanged gifts. Mike gave me some great stuff and I actually did good with the shirt I bought for him, which hardly ever happens. We were supposed to be at my niece's by 3, so that left time for a nap. Then we were off to Jackie and Tony's.

They live near York, PA which is about an hour or so from us. Well with the torrential rain we had, it took almost two hours to get there. When we walked in the door, we were immediately greeted by my niece's kids...Tony who is 6 and Jazmyn who is 9 (but going on 35). They were all excited to show us their gifts and to open the ones we brought for them. They are great kids and Mike and I love being around them. My niece and her husband are the best and the four of us are very close. Since there is such an age gap between my siblings and myself, my niece is only 8 years younger than me and her husband is only 2 years younger.

We had a great time there. Tony's sister and brother-in-law came by as well and we love them too, they are always great fun. I helped Jackie with dinner (yes I actually helped cook). If I wouldn't have, we would just now be eating. I love her to death, but meal planning has never been her strong suit.

We left about 10 and drove home in the fog.

On a side note, Brutus' leg seems to be getting better. We left him home yesterday though because he was throwing up and just seemed to be out of sorts. We gave him a little to eat this morning and he seems to be keeping it down for now. I'll see what happens before we go off to the vet AGAIN. Poor little guy seems to be having a run of bad luck.

I'm off until January 3rd, so I plan on being a slug all week. Then I have to get my butt in gear and lose some weight. We'll see how that goes.

Hope you all had or are having a great holiday!

This is the infamous Brutus. I thought it was about time you knew what he looked like. 

I found this awhile back and have been meaning to post it but I kept forgetting. This is something that you probably won't see on the "fair and balanced" Fox News.

Meet Cindy Sheehan

I found this site through a weird series of links, but I though I would post it so you could get a laugh out of it.

http://www.raptureletters.com

It says that the email will be sent out if a "switch" isn't reset. For those watchers of Lost, maybe it's kinda like the computer down in the hatch.

When I was a kid, the church we went to used to scare the heck out of us with stories of the "Rapture". I still remember a movie they showed us one Sunday night that gave me nightmares.

Anyway, that's a whole other story, but I thought you'd get a kick out of this.

I'm wondering if we could stop this after the rapture if we turn them in for spamming?

I got this email from a friend of mine that works for a company who does some contracting for the Army. I may be totally against the war that we are currently involved in, but I will always support our troops. It's not their fault our administration is completely out of control, they are just doing their job.

I know I have a few regular readers out there so take a few minutes out of your busy week and send out a note.

Sent: Wednesday, December 21, 2005 2:02 PM

Subject: FW: Special Request

All,

I have a special request. I'm sure many of you are currently writing cards to friends and family. If you can, please send an extra one to our American military heroes who are recuperating from wounds this Christmas Season. Please enclose a short note thanking them for their service and personal sacrifice. They are the protectors of our freedom, and enable us to peacefully enjoy the holidays with our loved ones. We must let them know that we appreciate their sacrifice.

Your small act of kindness will be greatly appreciated.

Here's the address...

A Recovering American Soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20307-5001

If so inclined, please forward this message to your email friends.

How funny is it that when I spellcheck my blogs, that "blogging" and "bloggers" come up as misspelled words?

I read on CNN.com today that I should be saying Merry Christmas, but that's not today so I'm not gonna do it. I think this whole controversy is ridiculous. I worked in retail for years before I became the office dude that I am, and I always said "Have a great holiday" No one ever corrected me, no one seemed upset. I did it because I didn't know if I was talking to a Jewish person, a Muslim, a Christian, OR someone who didn't celebrate at all and was just looking forward to a holiday from work.

The religious right in this country has gotten completely out of control. Having been a member of that group at one point in my life, I can speak from sort of a different perspective, and let me tell you...they ain't right in the head!

Someday, I'll spend some time blogging about my life as a fundamentalist, bible thumping, speaking in tongues (yeah you heard me), trying not to be gay because I didn't want to go to hell, very confused person.

On a couple side notes here, I've started emailing a few people that I've met in the world of bloggers and there are some cool people out here. I just added a new link to my list from a fellow Philly blogger who was a great site. He straight though but I guess that's OK. (Sorry JJ)

Brutus update - He came out of his sling three times in less than 24 hours so the vet gave up and has him on "cage rest". Which basically means keep his activity levels as low as possible. UMMMMMM yeah right.

I'm sitting here on yet another Monday afternoon trying to stay awake after a long and activity filled weekend.

I had to take Brutus to the vet on Friday evening for his bandages to be changed. That was actually kinda funny. I have to walk in the back since they are having construction done...when I walked in, you would have though that Brutus was some kinda of movie star. Everyone was greeting him and he was waggin his little nub the whole time...was really cute. After I got home, we went out to get Chinese food. All in all it was a very nice and quiet birthday night.

Saturday, we were having some friends over to have dinner and celebrate the 36 years I've been around. It was going to be about ten people. Mike had ordered food from my favorite restaurant. Chicken Piccata from Rino's mmmmmmmmmmm. Dina was making a broccoli casserole and we were having salad and potatoes too. Cheescake for desert.

We all had a blast. We watched a horrible movie from the 30s on the "evils" of Marijuana which was a total riot. Who knew Burma was such a whore? Then we played "Win, Lose or Draw", a gift from GG and Blair. After we won one and lost one, we watched AB FAB...Dina bought the DVDs from me but UPS still has them. The last of the guests stayed till about one or so. It was a great party.

Sunday morning, Mike got up before me to take Brutus out and when he came back in, Brutus popped right out his sling. So we needed to call the vet immediately and take him in. He was shaking and all nervous because he had no clue why we yelled and then made him lay down right away and not let him up. POOR GUY.

After getting that situated, I came back to the house and we just layed around doing nothing for a few hours. Around one or so, we decided to get up and do some shopping for that we needed to do for us. I needed a couple pairs of new jeans and I wanted to check out Khakis as well. We went to DSW, Dick's and Sears. Mike bought a new pair of slippers for me and I found three pairs of pants. This time of year is SO not fun for shopping.

We stopped in at Mark's to pick up our coffee grinder and then headed home. We stopped at Lorenzo's for subs on the way for dinner. Well when we got home, I went in to let Brutus out of his cage and guess what? HE WAS OUT OF HIS SLING AGAIN.

So I Called the vet AGAIN, and this time she said to just hold off until Monday morning first thing since it was kind of late. But we had to keep his activity level as far down as possible. Yeah you try and do that for a two year old VERY active boxer.

So that was the weekend. Only one more week till Christmas AND a week off.

Well it happened today, I turned the corner and started heading toward 40. It's really weird how the older I get, I keep waiting for something to feel different and it never happens. I still feel like the same person I was when I was 10.

Sometimes though, and this especially happens when I'm driving for some reason, I look down at my hands on the wheel, and think, those can't possibly be my hands. Those are the hands of an adult.

How funny is that?

I know I'm not old, I'm only 36. I will always be the little brother to my siblings and my Mom's youngest. And that's a good thing to be.

Brutus is learning to deal with having his leg wrapped up and immobile. He's not entirely happy, but he seems to be in less pain today. Last night was rough for the little guy, he was crying a lot until his pain medication kicked in.

It's going to be a long healing process, he'll be in the sling for at least a month and has to go back to the doctor every 5 - 7 days.

He's been very mushy tonight though which is cute. You can tell by looking at his eyes that he doesn't seem to quite get what's going on but he trusts us to make the right decisions for him.

On another note, it is freezing tonight! It's supposed to be like 8 degrees and it sure feels like it.

So he partially dislocated his shoulder. The doctor said it was the dog equivalent of a person doing a split on the ice or snow. He tore all of the tendons on the top of his shoulder as well. The fun part is that he will be in a sling as opposed to a cast and apparently that is going to be difficult to monitor.

Brutus will be wearing the sling until the vet is satisfied that the shoulder is back in place, if that doesn't work surgery is the next option, but hopefully that won't be needed.

I get to pick him up this afternoon, which I'm very happy about. I hate not having him at home.

We had two parties to go to this weekend and we left both of them at 2am. Talk about sleep deprivation! Friday night was a party at Mike's brothers and Saturday night was at Mark's.

Mark's party was probably one of the best that he has ever had. It was a great mix of people and good food. It seemed like everyone had a good time mixing and just hanging out.

Then Sunday, we just spent the day in sweats and doing nothing. We needed that.

This is my birthday week (SIGH...36). So it will be another busy weekend. Friday night will be just Mike and I which I am looking forward to and Saturday night will be dinner out with friends.

On another note, Brutus hurt himself pretty badly this weekend. We don't know how, but he must have slipped in the snow in the back yard or something, it's the only thing we can think of. It got progressively worse all weekend. Last night we actually had to carry him in and out to pee because he couldn't make it up and down the steps on our deck.

I was going to make an appointment for this afternoon, but I went to wake him up this morning to take him out again and when I tried to pick him up, he just screamed in pain. So I called the vet and they had me being him in right away.

I had to leave him there. They wanted to sedate him since he was in so much pain, and do some xrays as well. Whatever the injury is, it is between his elbow and his shoulder on his front, right side.

There is nothing worse as a dog owner, when your dog is in that much pain and you can't do anything about it. He just set there at looked at me with those eyes that just said, "Dad, fix it." He broke my heart.

I should be hearing from the doctor soon, and I'll be sure to post the results.

I've been making an 80s CD over the past few days. I guess it's the 21st century version of making a mix tape. I've been trying to pick songs that aren't on every "80's Greatest Hits" CD out there so I've come across some odd ball songs that I haven't heard in a long time.

It's amazing to me how a song can immediately bring back so many memories. I hear a couple of these songs and I'm right back in the moment. I'm that tall, skinny shy kid in high school. Not quite sure what to make of myself or those around me. We were kind of poor and I went to a school full of middle to upper middle class yuppie kids but I still had a lot of great friends and I don't really have the stories of not being accepted, being tortured, etc.

I guess I knew I was gay, but still had girlfriends, just like most gay kids growing up smack in the middle of the 80s. My friends hung out on the weekends, walked the mall, went to field parties, but always in the background was the radio or MTV.

Getting back to some of the music I've been downloading...Life in a Northern Town, Forever Young, Take on Me...WOW. I came across Hard Habit to Break which was the theme song to the first high school dance I ever went to; and This is the Time, which was my prom theme. I just close my eyes and I'm there...in the halls of C.Milton Wright High School in Bel Air, MD.

The summers were the best, we used to sit in front of the TV at night and watch actual videos on MTV. I remember having Live Aid on ALL day and waiting for Madonna to come on because she was so edgy back then. (WOW I GUESS I knew I was gay?)

It's great to have those memories, good and bad. I'm sure I'm remebering the idealized version but still is an awesome place to visit.

So while I'm working on the CD, I turn on the TV and what's on? THE BREAKFAST CLUB!!

Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.

I think that sums it ALL up.

OK so there is nothing better in my mind than having dinner and drinks with great friends. I have just gotten back from dinner at my favorite brewpub (Victory Brewing Company) with Mike, Dina, Amy, Mark, Sherry and Ro.

I love this place because they have fantastic beer and food AND it's only about 15 minutes from our house. Mike and Mark needed to do some shopping for Mark's holiday party next week so I stayed after dinner to have drinks with Dina and Amy; (Sherry and Ro had to leave earlier).

I totally enjoy any time I get to spend with my fag hag (fairy princess as she prefers to be called) and my lesbian (who I might add has a tight, smokin body).

We ended up in this deep discussion about sex and politics and somewhere in the midst of this discussion, I realized something. I love these two women and enjoy the fact that they are in my life.

After all the crap I have gone through this week with stuff about my family, I have come to the conclusion that family is not who you are born to, family is who you choose to love and be completely vulnerable to.

My family does include some people in my biological family but most of all it includes those people around me that I have met in life that have chosen to stick around and see what happens, for better or for worse. Mike obviously is one of those people as well as my friends Mark, Dina and Amy.

I think God gives us those people in life to make things more bearable. He/She knows that things here can suck and we need all the support, love, and friendship we can handle to get us through it and on to the next level (whatever that may be). And I will be forever grateful that they are there and that we "get" each other.

I know I've already posted twice today but I couldn't let this one go by.

"This would be the best of all possible worlds,
if there were no religion in it." -John Adams, 2nd President

"Religions are all alike - founded upon fables and mythologies." -Thomas Jefferson, 3rd US President

"Religious bondage shackles and debilitates
the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise." -James Madison, 4th US President

“I don’t know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.”-George W. Bush.

WHAT??????

One of my favorite places is New Hampshire. I was stationed there when I was in the Air Force and live up there for a little while after I got out. I absolutely fell in love with the place and everything about it.

Mount Washington is located in the White Mountains in northern NH and it is the highest point on the east coast and also the site of the highest wind speed ever recorded. 231 MPH!! As well as some seriously wicked weather.

Mike and I drove to the top of it a few years ago while we up there on vacation and it is stunningly beautiful at the top. ANYWAY...all of this to say that they have a network of webcams on the mountain as well as one in the valley below and it is a site that I check daily and I wanted to post it on here.

http://www.mountwashington.org/cam/deck/index.php

I love checking it out when I'm stressed during the day and remembering what a beautiful and remote place it is.

I can't believe it's December already. It seems like summer just ended. Like everyone else, I feel like we have SO much going on this month. Last night we were talking about the people we have to buy gifts for, who we need to call, cards we have to buy, etc. I started to get all stressed about it, but I'm not going to let that happen, I'm just going to enjoy the month, after all it is also my birthday month.

In addition to the stress of the month, there is a bunch of family junk going on the Mike has told me not to get involved in and I'm trying hard not to. I am working on ignoring it, but it's really hard to not have it weigh on my mind. Bottom line is, I just don't get the idea of not wanting to better yourself or your situation. It's so frustrating.

Family is never a dull moment.

So anyway, back to the month. This week begins the fun. We are meeting some friends for dinner on Friday night and I'm really looking forward to seeing my "girls from the Mart". Then Saturday, we will be helping Mark and Joe get ready for their Christmas party. Saturday night, one of our good friends will be hosting his family, so he wants us all to go to dinner with them. That should be a trip. To quote Mark, "I am all a-tither."